


Newfound

by Circumspect



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Human Cole, Jealousy, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3305828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Circumspect/pseuds/Circumspect
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cole is just discovering feelings and Trevelyan has a lot of baggage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

She had always been bright. Too bright, at times, when her mark engulfed his senses, stopped him seeing. But that side of his vision had quietened now; humans did not notice the glare of magic so much, and he was becoming more like them.

 Yet he still noticed her just as much, if not more than before. Different things. Not her mark, but her skin. Not her thoughts, but her smile. He was drawn to her, wanted to help her even though she didn’t need him to. He didn’t hear her thoughts as a cry for help, had to listen intently for their whisper – she kept her hurts private, soothed them by soothing others. He admired that, but it also worried him.

She came to check up on him now and then, but she had a great many people to do so with, and what little of her time he took was never enough. So he followed her – quiet, careful, more so than he’d ever needed to be before. Everyone could see him now, and he couldn’t make them forget, so he had to stick to the shadows, sneaking, spying. He didn’t like the squirming in his stomach this caused – Varric called it guilt – but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t think the Inquisitor would like him following her openly, and not being near her made him restless.

 

* * *

 

Cole watched her as she entered the courtyard. She had just come back from a mission, and Cole knew where she would head first. He climbed up to the library from the outside, in through a window, and hid among the bookshelves as she talked with Dorian.

She came alive around the Tevinter mage, eyes sparkling with humour, and their talks were easy, light. They did something called ‘flirting’ a lot, and it angered some of the others in their group, but Cole didn’t see why – they only saw each other as friends. Perhaps if the others knew how much Dorian thought of men, they wouldn’t get so angry.

“Ah, you grace me with your presence once more, My Lady Inquisitor.” Dorian greeted her with a sweeping bow, silly, making her smile. Trevelyan tucked her long dark hair behind her ear and Cole’s eyes automatically went to her neck, the pale unmarred skin there drawing him in. Not pale and sickly like his, but flushed and alive. 

“Well I couldn’t last another moment without seeing your lovely face again.”

“You wouldn’t have to if you’dve taken _me_ on that damned expedition instead of Solas.” Dorian was pouting now, arms folded, leaning lightly against the bookshelf. The Inquisitor rolled her eyes.

“I always take Solas with me when there are rifts involved, Dorian.”

“I don’t see why. You’ve been wiggling your fingers at them expertly enough all by yourself for quite some time now.”

“The rifts are unpredictable, and he’s very good with them. Besides, we wouldn’t want to risk your dashing good looks to a Terror now, would we?” Dorian chuckled, arms falling to the sides, surrendering. “Anyway, I’m doing the rounds checking in on everyone at the moment. Join me for a drink later?”

“Of course. I love all of the dubious looks I get from your fellow do-gooders, daring me to try to take advantage of you as you drink.”

“You say that sarcastically, but I know that’s true.” The Inquisitor said, grinning. Cole liked her like this. Open, honest, joyful. She was cautious around him, more so now since he had become more human, like she was afraid he’d break. Maybe he would. He wondered sometimes. Even now, his heart was beating almost painfully hard inside his chest. Excitement. She was coming to the tavern later; he wouldn’t have to follow her, feel the squirming guilt. She would be close and he could enjoy her without being… what did Varric call him? A voyeur?

 

* * *

 

The Commander was next. Cullen was always next after Dorian, and Cole began climbing even as the Inquisitor was still saying her goodbyes to him. He scaled around the outside of the castle wall, dropped down onto the bridge and darted across it, climbing up to the Commander’s window which was always unlocked. Cole missed teleporting. He couldn’t do it any real distance without getting tired now, but all the climbing and running he did instead was almost as bad.

He poked his head over the gap between floors, seeing down into the office as the Inquisitor entered.

Cullen’s head perked up, smiled that small smile Cole didn’t like. Too gentle, didn’t use it for anyone else…  

“Cullen.”

“Inquisitor.” _She looks divine. How can she look so good straight after such a long trip?_ Cullen’s thoughts were loud, but Cole was already listening for them anyway. He didn’t know why he listened – hearing them made him sad. But he couldn’t stop. Something inside him needed to know. “I was just reading through your… rather abridged written debriefing.” She shrugged, grinning at Cullen. Light, friendly, a little more guarded than with Dorian. She didn’t open fully to many, a barrier to save herself and them. Cole didn’t understand why she thought she would hurt them, or why she let Dorian in above all others. She didn’t think she could hurt him. The reason was an old pain she kept locked deep inside of herself.

“Solas refused to write it for me this time, said I should get used to ‘the burdens of command’, or something.”

“You should.” Cullen said, chuckling, holding up her papers. “ _We fought a load of demons, closed a rift and got chased by some bandits on the way home. Cassandra got a new shield out of it. The end._ ”

“What can I say? I’m no Varric Tethras with words.”

“Thank the Maker. The last time you fobbed your report-writing off on him, it took me a week to read! He made a novel out of a simple fortress capture.” _That smile, want to kiss her, touch her, want her so badly…_ The Commander’s thoughts were loud, graphic, eating away at Cole, acid in his chest spreading out in waves of angry heat. He wanted to claw the words out of his mind even as he listened intently for more.

“Now there’s that silver lining!” 

“Next time, try to at least write something _helpful_ though?”

“Tch, so demanding.” _Want her, want to feel her skin… want her to feel the same…_ the Commander’s thoughts always became so melancholy after a while. They rose, thick and fast, but fleeting, feeling futility pulling them back down. She didn’t love him, and he mourned the loss of something he never had. Cole… was beginning to understand that.

 

* * *

 

“Cole!” Trevelyan called, waving to him. He hadn’t been up on the top floor of the tavern like he usually was. Instead, he was out on the ramparts, sat right on the edge with his feet dangling, watching the people below. She always felt a little queasy when he leaned that far over.

“Hello.” He replied, watching her approach. His eye contact was getting better, at least. He faltered as she drew close. “Wait, no… _Welcome back_.” She smiled, swinging her legs over the edge to sit next to him. _Ok, wow, that’s a really long way down._ “We can go back inside if you like.” Cole said, watching her intently.

“Cole, what did I say about reading my mind?” he blinked.

“I didn’t. You just look very scared.”

“Oh.” Trevelyan sighed. “Right. Well, you know what they say, face your fears and all that…”

“Who says that?” she paused, frowning.

“I… have no idea. People?”

“Sera’s people?”

“Er, no…” Trevelyan bit back a sigh. More often than not, she managed to get them embroiled in some odd discussion which led nowhere and just confused them both. Cole cocked his head.

“Well… It’s a good saying… but hard to do.”

“Yeah. But you know, once you’ve done it, stuff gets better… I guess.” She squirmed a little. She was never good at teaching anyone anything – they’d never given her any apprentices in the Circle because of it. Besides, something about Cole always left her tongue-tied, and she never knew what he was going to say next. Varric was better suited to this. “You… overcome the fear and…”

“You have pretty eyes.” She froze, heart stuttering in shock.

“I… what?” Cole was staring at her, his face giving nothing away.

“Have pretty eyes. I like the blue. Dark like the night sky, but with light flecks, like stars… or lightning. I was scared to tell you.” He looked away, frowning up at the darkening sky. “But now that I have… I’m still scared. I don’t think I faced my fears right.” She fidgeted a little, feeling an awkward little ball of nerves pull tight in her chest. Had this been anyone else… but no, she’d heard Cole say before that he hadn’t been interested in girls since leaving the Fade. He couldn’t…

“…Thanks, Cole.” She managed, putting her hand on his shoulder, and his gaze immediately fixed on it.

“That’s… ok.” He looked back up at the sky, and she could have sworn he leaned into the gesture slightly. They sat in silence for a moment, Trevelyan wondering if maybe she should take her hand back.

She didn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

His shoulder still tingled. Small spots of warmth, spreading through his body, healing the hurt left from Cullen’s thoughts. Cole always felt lighter after speaking with the Inquisitor. Usually more confused about something, but always lighter. He couldn’t remember her touching him before. Such a small touch, but it was something. Something more. A tiny connection they hadn’t had before. She wasn’t afraid of him, or at least, he hoped not. And she hadn’t hated him for telling her about her eyes, though it had confused her.

He didn’t join her for drinks, though she did offer, which was also new. He wanted to, but he wanted her to be able to be herself, enjoy her freedom with Dorian and not worry about breaking him. He watched her over the balcony, her easy smile and infectious laughter. He could watch her forever.  But there was something wrong that night. She would pause, thinking something Cole was too far away to hear, and her smile would become just a little forced for a while until Dorian coaxed her back into more genuine happiness. Cole worried he’d caused it.

Later – Cole wasn’t sure how much later – the Inquisitor left, supported by Dorian. She’d had a lot to drink. More than was usual. It worried him, so Cole followed them back to the main hall, scaling the outer wall, darting up and over Vivienne’s balcony, catching up just as they entered down below.

 

* * *

 

“Are you quite sure you can manage from here? I was looking forward to carrying you bridal-style up to your quarters.”  Trevelyan laughed, shaking her head.

“You really do love a scandal, don’t you?”

“It makes for a delightful change of pace. ‘Evil mage from Tevinter defiles the Herald of Andraste’. Oh, the outrage _that_ would cause.”

“Pft, I’d probably be the one defiling you, Pavus.” He grinned at her.

“I _knew_ you were a naughty girl under all that pomp and ceremony.” She held her hands up dramatically.

“Guilty, as charged.”

“Get a room, you two are sickening.” Varric piped up from his place by the fire. They both grinned at him. Dorian kissed her cheek.

“Good night, my dear. Don’t let the dwarf take advantage of you before I can.” She chuckled, watching him leave before taking a seat at Varric’s table, head falling on to her folded arms.

“You two should really tone it down a bit. _I_ know you’re bullshitting, but it really riles some of the others up.”

“I’m sure they’ll cope. Honestly, I’ve got far too much on my plate right now to worry about Mother Giselle’s disapproving looks.”

“I’m not talking about her. It’s not the disapproval you need to watch out for – it’s the hearts you’re breaking.” Trevelyan pulled herself more upright to stare at Varric.

“Why Varric, I didn’t know you cared.” He grunted, rolled his eyes.

“I’m not talking about me, and I’m not telling you _who_ I’m talking about… just, be careful.”

“How am I supposed to be careful if you don’t tell me who to be careful around?” she asked, frowning. Varric gave her a look, probably a ‘don’t be a smartass’ look, but she was too drunk to really take it in. He seemed to notice this and sighed.

“Tell you what, if you actually remember this conversation tomorrow, I’ll tell you who’s heart you’re breaking. Now, why are you so drunk?”

“Oh, you know, impending doom, end of the world, all that stuff…”

“That’s just regular crap for you. Why the need to get wasted?” she sighed. Maybe Varric would know… he spent the most time with Cole, after all… but she feared the answer.

“Varric, has Cole ever told you he likes your eyes?” Varric paused, raising a brow. Whatever he’d been expecting, this clearly wasn’t it.

“No… that’s never come up.” He started to smile. “He’s never mentioned liking anyone’s eyes. Or anyone’s anything, really. Though he does talk a lot about you. Asks a lot of questions. Mostly because you say stuff that confuses the poor kid to death, but…” His smile turned wolf-like. “Well whaddaya know, the Kid’s all grown up and has his first crush…” Trevelyan groaned, letting her head drop back to the table with a loud _thunk_ that she probably should have felt, but it was drowned out by a rising panic that she was too drunk to properly process. “Hey, if you fall asleep on my furniture, I’m not going to be held responsible for my actions – and I’ve got fresh ink here. Friendly warning.”

 

* * *

 

Cole bolted. He jumped straight over the balcony, had to duck and roll as he landed to limit the damage to himself, damage that wouldn’t have been possible if he wasn’t so _him,_ so here and so real _._ Just like these feelings now; fear creeping up inside him, making him cold, careless. He just needed to be away, back in the tavern, warm and welcome, a place he could hide.

She knew.

She knew how he felt and it caused her pain, caused her to drink and hurt. He didn’t want that, didn’t want to hurt her. He was so confused. _Why_ did it hurt her? He didn’t understand. He needed to talk to Varric, but Varric was talking to _her_ and he was left not knowing what he’d done wrong.

He needed to sleep. Before, it was something he could do if he wanted to but not necessary. But his body got tired quickly without it now, and he felt so, so tired tonight. But sleep would not come. His mind was running, racing, falling over itself with half-formed thoughts of guilt, hurt, confusion. He wanted to go to her, make her forget… but he couldn’t make anyone forget any more.

He brought his knees up to his chest, back against the wooden tavern wall, eyes wet and wide, wondering what tomorrow would bring. 


	3. Chapter 3

 

“It will be straightforward enough, but we will need lockpickers.” Trevelyan rubbed at her eyes. They still felt dry, matching nicely with her tongue and her aching head. Two day hangovers… she didn’t even know they were possible. All of yesterday had been spent with her head over a basin, throwing her guts up while Cassandra berated her for it – and held her hair back, which was nice…

But today, the Seeker wasn’t so forgiving. There was work to be done, she said, and she’d all but dragged Trevelyan down to address everyone as if it were a normal day where the Herald of Andraste’s head wasn’t trying to cleave itself in two. She should’ve known better than to drink so much, really. It wasn’t something she was used to doing and therefore she had no tolerance for it. But it had felt right at the time. She’d had a niggling worry in the back of her mind since speaking with Cole, and some genius part of her brain had decided the best course of action would be to flush it out with alcohol.

“Inquisitor!” Cassandra snapped. She jolted.

“Lockpickers. Right.” She glanced around the table. Bull looked amused, as did Varric. Dorian, of course, was beside himself with delight that she was suffering so. He had told her to stop several times – half-heartedly, of course, but it still gave him a chance to gloat and say ‘I told you so’.

Her eyes stopped on Cole. He looked almost as bad as she felt. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he was even paler than usual. She frowned, wondering what had caused it, and tried to catch his eye. He studiously avoided her. Right then.  

“Right. I’ll take Varric and Cole then.” Cole perked up at his name, gave her a look of confused disbelief. “And you of course, Cass. Just in case I need someone to hold my hair back again.” Cassandra rolled her eyes as a collective snigger ran around the table.

 

* * *

 

 They rode out into the Frostbacks that morning on dracolisks. They could handle the snow a lot better than horses ever could, but they were _incredibly_ bumpy. Trevelyan felt every single step they took through the snow as a punch to the guts, and was happy to let Cassandra lead lest she steer them off a cliff whilst trying to keep her small breakfast down.

They were following a lead from Leliana about an abandoned castle ruin in the mountains. Her spies sometimes used it as a rest stop along their way back to Skyhold, since no one knew it was there – until just lately, when the doors had been shut and shiny new locks had appeared to keep the unwanted out. Venatori flags had also appeared. It was far too close to home to allow, so they had to flush them out, hopefully without drawing attention.

Trevelyan chanced a look at Cole. He hadn’t really said much since they’d left Skyhold, which was strange for him. Even Varric couldn’t pry conversation out of him, which told her something was definitely up. She wanted to try herself, but…

_“…the kid’s all grown up and has his first crush…”_

She shivered, Varric’s words coming back to haunt her, the only part of her conversation with him that she actually remembered. It couldn’t be true… someone as sweet and naïve as Cole… She-

“Hold.” Cassandra called, and they all stilled. The castle ruin loomed up ahead, and Trevelyan thought that in its day it may have been quite a sight. Now, however, there was barely anything left. The curtain walls and keep itself were gone, weathered away by time and battle. All that remained were the two tall towers which would have stood at either side of the keep, each rather dilapidated yet intact and structurally sound… probably.

They tied their mounts up and headed carefully down towards the towers on foot, adrenaline doing wonders for Trevelyan’s lingering hangover as she formulated a plan.

“So, I’m thinking we hit the left first – it looks more intact, so more likely to be full of arseholes – then we check out the right?” Cassandra raised a brow at her.

“Well, look who’s decided to re-join the living.” Trevelyan just shrugged, ignoring Varric’s chuckle.

"Work to be done, and all that… What do you think?”

“It does sound like the best course-”

“Hang on, Seeker.” Varric chimed in. “I’m thinking not so much.” Trevelyan frowned. Varric hardly ever got involved in strategy, unless he was planning something. She watched his eyes twinkle and bit back a sigh. He was planning something. “See, what happens if the both towers are filled with assholes? What happens if there are enough assholes in tower one to cause a big ruckus, which alerts the tower two assholes to our presence? They’ve then got enough time to come up and attack us from behind, or set up a nice ambush for us.” Damn it, and he even had a point to go along with whatever he was going to suggest…

“So what do you suggest?” Cassandra asked him.

“I’m thinking we split up.” Trevelyan stiffened, knowing exactly where he was going with this now. She bit back an expletive. “Two teams, one lockpicker in each one obviously, for the doors…” _Obviously._ “Hit both towers at the same time.”

“That tower looks like it could fall over at any second.” Trevelyan snapped, pointing angrily at it. “The likelihood of anyone being in there-”

“Stranger things have happened, oh glowy Mistress I-walked-physically-through-the-Fade.” Varric countered, grinning. “Anyway, I’m thinking the Seeker and I hit the left tower, you and the Kid hit the right.” Cassandra’s eyes narrowed.

“What are you up to, Varric? You’re putting yourself in more danger choosing that tower.”

“I trust you whole-heartedly to protect me, Seeker.” Varric said, still grinning widely. Trevelyan groaned, rubbing her temples.

“You don’t want to?” Cole asked. His voice was so quiet she barely heard it, but she did, and the dejected uncertainty in it coupled with the way he was looking at her threatened to break Trevelyan’s heart.  She sighed.

“Fine. Let’s do what Varric says then. But be _careful,_ I won’t be there to revive your arses if you go down.”

“Fine by me. That green healy light of yours makes my skin itchy.” Varric said, pulling a disgusted face.

 

* * *

 

Cole worked quickly and silently on the door lock, and Trevelyan let him focus. But she couldn’t stop herself watching him, his fingers deftly picking the lock, his almost cat-like poise. She had always wondered exactly _why_ a spirit needed to pick locks… but from what she could gather, Cole hadn’t always known he’d been a spirit. Perhaps he had learned back then, when he thought he was human… before becoming more spirit-like… and then more human again. His life must be very confusing.

And just what he _didn’t_ need was more confusion, more trouble, which was exactly what he’d get if he harboured any feelings for her. She didn’t _do_ feelings. They were a distraction, and they got people hurt or worse. She had to find out whether what Varric said was true, and if so, she had to stop it quickly.

The complication was that for some reason Cole seemed to be avoiding all contact with her as much as possible, which she didn’t understand. He’d been fine when she’d left him on the ramparts to go drink with Dorian two nights ago, and she hadn’t seen him since, until this morning. What in Thedas had happened in between?

Or was he picking up on her thoughts? Did he know she knew, or suspected at least, and was reacting to that? Did that mean Varric had been right? Her head started to spin uncomfortably. 

She heard a click, and the door slid open. Cole got to his feet, putting away his lockpicks in some hidden pocket, and looked at her carefully.

“It’s open.”

“So it is.” Trevelyan said, trying to push away her thoughts. Duty first. “Ok, let’s get this over with.”

The inside was as dismal as the outside. The room held only crates, probably full of supplies. There were winding stairs up to a high floor, but they looked incredibly brittle and she didn’t fancy walking on them.

“I _knew_ this one would be empty.” She growled.

“It’s full of crates…” Cole said, frowning in confusion. She felt her heart melt a little.

“Empty of _people,_ Cole.”

“Oh.” He turned back to the crates, fidgeting with his sleeve. She watched him for a moment, and then sighed. It was now or never.

“Cole, what’s wrong?” he didn’t turn.

“Nothing.” Trevelyan frowned. She put her hand on his arm and gently turned him to face her, though he still wouldn’t make eye contact.

“Tell me. Please.” He glanced at her, then back at the floor. She saw again the dark circles under his eyes, how tired and miserable he looked.

“I hurt you.” She blinked.

“What? Cole, you haven’t-”

“I told you I liked your eyes and you worried, drank to ease the fear, but it didn’t work. Varric made it worse. Told you things you didn’t want to hear.” Her hand fell away from his arm and Cole replaced it with his own, hugging himself. “You suffered because of me. All day yesterday. I shouldn’t have told you. You didn’t want to know.”

“Varric… was right?” Cole nodded miserably. She felt a little woozy. Cole… liked her? What did that even mean for him? And why the hell had Varric _told_ Cole what they’d spoken about?! It had obviously made him worry – why would Varric, who said he was trying to _help_ Cole - 

“No, Varric didn’t tell me.” Cole muttered. “ I… followed you. Back from the tavern. Dorian had to support you, I was worried about you…” She frowned.

“So… you were watching me in the tavern?” He nodded, seeming to struggle with something.

“I… watch you when I can… I feel strange when I can’t see you.” Her frown deepened.

“Wait, what? When do you watch me?”

“I follow you sometimes, see you talk to others. I like to know you’re happy.” She groaned, feeling a headache coming on.

“So, let me get this straight… you _follow me around Skyhold_?” Cole flinched at her angry tone, big blue eyes finally meeting hers. He looked lost, scared, guilty.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know where to start. She rocked back on her heels, flummoxed, folding her arms over her chest.

Cole watched her for a moment and then sank to the ground, sitting with his knees up against his chest, keeping his head low, hiding under the brim of his hat, still hugging himself tightly.

“I’m sorry…” he repeated, quietly, and Trevelyan had to follow him down to hear him, crouched on the balls of her feet. “I won’t follow you again. I won’t be a bother, I promise. Please don’t send me away.”

“Why would I send you away?”

“Fear like a blade in the chest, unsure but scared of the truth. _I don’t do feelings, distracting, dangerous._ Old pains a shadow over the heart, need to find out if it’s true. _Need to stop it quickly._ ” Trevelyan sighed. She scooted closer to him, until their knees were almost touching, and ventured a hand under the brim of his hat to pull his chin up so that she could look at him. She jolted when she saw his tears. She’d never seen him cry before - didn’t even know he could – and the sight chilled her anger considerably. “I don’t want to leave.” He murmured desperately.

“I’m _not_ sending you anywhere, Cole.” She said firmly. “You can stay for as long as you want. But… it’s not wise to… have _feelings_ for me. I’m not a ‘feelings’ person.”

“Why?” Trevelyan shrugged awkwardly. There were plenty of reasons, most of which she didn’t feel like sharing… She went for the least personal one.

“Where I grew up… relationships were pretty much impossible, and sex… was just an exciting pastime. Mages in the Tower would sneak out at night, meet up with others, we’d do the dirty and go our separate ways before the Templars noticed we’d been gone. I know how that sounds, I’ve learned since that that isn’t how _outside_ works, but I went to the Circle quite young. Everything I know about sex and relationships, I learned there. There _is_ nothing else for me.”

“That’s really sad.” Cole murmured. She chuckled, wiping at his tears with the sleeve of her robe.

“That’s my life for you.” Cole caught her hand in his own, holding it gently. She knew she should have pulled away, but she didn’t. He watched her carefully. “What are you thinking?” she asked.

“There’s something else… you’re trying very hard not to think about something, hiding it so I can’t see it.” She sighed.

“Cole, some things are private. You can’t go poking about people’s memories…”

“I know. Varric told me… and it’s harder to do now that I’m more me. But I want to understand.” He frowned, more to himself than her. She smiled. His frowns were sweet.

“It’s old news, Cole. It’s my shit to deal with, not yours.”

“But-”

“I’m not going to send you away. I’m not mad. That’s all you need to worry about, ok?” He didn’t seem convinced, but like tutoring, consoling was yet another thing Trevelyan had no real grasp of. She sighed. “Come on. We should go and see if Varric and Cassandra need us.” She stood and pulled him up with her, giving his hand a gentle squeeze before pulling away.


	4. Chapter 4

There had been one lone Venatori guard on duty when Varric and Cassandra had burst in to their tower. He’d barely managed to reach for his sword before Varric shot an arrow into his jugular. Searching the ruin, they’d found a written schedule of the next time Venatori agents would be in the area. Sloppy. Trevelyan wasn’t worried. She’d send the Chargers in and give the agents a nice welcome.

Their mission had taken far less time than she’d planned for, so she decided they’d go in a large looping circle back, stopping off at a small village on the very outskirts of the Hinterlands. There were herbs which their new apothecary insisted only grew there, and she’d requested several bushels for new healing potions. Trevelyan spent a great deal of time during the ride there staring at Cole’s back.

He was riding a little ahead of her, close to Varric, seeming a little more himself but still nowhere near as talkative and free as normal. She felt a sharp pang of guilt at that, though she knew she couldn’t control his feelings, only how she reacted to them. She just had to keep up a professional distance, like she did with almost everyone… be there for him as a friend and all that, but not muddy the water at all. And no more hand holding. That couldn’t be helpful. Her hand tingled pleasantly at the memory of his skin on hers… she rubbed it roughly against her dracolisk’s scales, making the creature gargle happily.

 

* * *

 

The snow gradually lessened, turning from perfect white to grey, to brown, and finally to grass. Trees started to encroach on them from the sides, making the path darker. Trevelyan hopped down off her mount and walked for a while.

“Keep a look out for these bloody flowers, guys!” she called on ahead. Cassandra, still on her mount, waved at her nonchalantly – she _hated_ this sort of thing – whilst Varric and Cole were already down and searching. Cole looked back at her and for a moment their eyes locked. Trevelyan found herself _blushing_ and, mortified, quickly turned away, deciding to branch off a little to look amidst the trees.

“Blue flower, red thorns… blue flower, red thorns…” She muttered, wading through the underbrush, trying to keep her thoughts Cole-free. She saw a flash of blue and paused, kneeling down to get a better look. “Blue flower…” A loud growl behind her froze her solid.

_Bear._

It was close. Very close and she hadn’t heard it at all! She turned very slowly, trying not to move suddenly. It was directly behind her, barely three meters away, all teeth and brown fur and powerful muscle. Her eyes were wide, darting about for the others, but she couldn’t see anyone. “ _Shit.”_

It took one step towards her, growling again, testing her. She gulped. Magic didn’t do enough harm to a big bastard like this; she’d just piss it off by herself… It took another step, letting out a full roar. She stumbled backwards, and the bear charged at her. _Fuck!_ She’d barely begun summoning fire in her hands as it reared up on its hind legs, towering over her, letting out another almighty roar before lurching down for the kill – she cried out, hands flying up to protect herself… but nothing came. She looked up, perplexed, and gasped.

Cole staggered with the weight of the bear, grunting in pain, pulling his twin blades from the animal’s neck. The bear fell to the ground, dead, and Trevelyan saw that its teeth had sunk deep into Cole’s shoulder. He very nearly went down with it, staggering forwards and crying out in pain as the teeth were ripped from his wound.

“Cole!” she yelped, jumping up to support his weight as he sank to the floor.  She removed his hat and moved his head onto her knees, his blood already soaking through her robe. “What the hell are you doing?! You could have died! Look at your… oh, Maker, your shoulder…” it was a bloody mess. She could see bone. Maker, she was going to throw up… Cole was panting hard, grasping at her hand, pulling it close and grimacing.

“Are you ok?” he asked. Trevelyan stopped dead.

“You…” she almost laughed at the absurdity of the question. “You’re impossible.”

“Hey! What the hell’s going on over here?” Varric’s voice called through the trees. “Guys?!” Trevelyan ignored him, summoning what little healing magic she could use, concentrating on Cole’s wounds. She pulled her hand away from him, green light emanating from both palms as she directed it towards the largest teeth marks.  

“You’re crazy…” She murmured to him, feeling emotion well up in her throat. “You shouldn’t have…  Thank you.” Cole managed a small smile, then his eyes rolled back into his skull and he passed out.

 

* * *

 

Everything hurt. His shoulder was bursting with pain, bright, blinding, and he felt weak everywhere from teleporting in between the Inquisitor and the bear. His head spun, he felt too hot everywhere… but he felt a hand in his own, thumb gently rubbing in circles, and it soothed the burning a little. He twitched, and the circles stopped.

“Cole?” that voice… Cole forced his eyes open, at first only seeing the red material of the tents they camped in. Then, closer and to the right, a set of blue eyes. His favourite eyes.

“Inquisitor…” he murmured. She seemed to sag, an overwhelming feeling of relief coming from her. He’d worried her.

“I think at this point you can call me whatever you want, but…”

“Evie…” She frowned.

“Your mother called you Evie. You liked it.” The frown lessened, replaced by a small wistful smile.

“If you like.” She said gently. She sighed, bringing their joined hands to her forehead, like a prayer. “You scared the shit out of me. You’ve been unconscious all day.”

“Sorry…” he moved his fingers slightly, enjoying the feeling of her skin brushing against his. He worried he’d learn to like it too much. She was sad now, scared for him, guilty though he didn’t know why; He’dve given his life for her in a second. But this made her sad, and that made her touch him, to reassure herself he was alive. Once she was sure, she would retreat again and he’d miss her. Miss this.

Green light lit up the tent, cooling and soothing, though it would’ve been warm had he needed it. Healing magic was kind like that, gave what you needed as it mended the broken parts. He felt his skin itch under the bandages now covering his chest and arm, the light flowing from their joined hands, as well as Evie’s other, which was hovering over his wound.

“I’m not very good at healing.” She muttered. “I’m doing what I can, but we need to get you back to Skyhold. We’re only camped up at the moment because it’s late and you were running a fever.” She paused, battling with herself. “I’m so glad you woke up… I couldn’t…” she shook her head. “ _Don’t_ do that again.”

“… ‘ _Nerves shot, too much lyrium but need it to keep the magic flowing, lightheaded, tired, can’t stop until he wakes up. Maker, I hope he wakes up…’_ I’m sorry. I made you hurt again.” She let out a bark of bitter laughter.

“You took on a _bear_ for me. I’m pretty sure we’re more than even.” Her eyes were shining, even in the dark, some from the lyrium, some from the sadness. Her magic lit up the tears in her eyes. “You were out for so long, Cole… I was…” She shook her head, green light fading away. “Varric’s beside himself with worry too. I should tell him you’re awake-”

“Don’t go.” He begged, trying to keep hold of her hand, though his grip was weak.

“Cole…”

“Touching you makes it easier. I concentrate on that over everything else.” She chuckled, but there was no mirth to it.

“I don’t make anything easier.” she murmured. “I’m sorry, Cole.” She leant over him, pressed her lips to his. He felt himself gasp in shock, feelings and emotions he’d never felt before surging through him like electricity, filling him up. She was so soft, lips like silk, but insistent, claiming him again and again, quick desperate kisses, making sure he was real, making him focus on her… He shuddered, hearing himself moan though it felt far away. He felt wetness on his cheeks and, when she pulled away, realized she’d cried on him.

“I’m so sorry.” She cried, fleeing the tent.


	5. Chapter 5

She was an idiot. A first class Maker forsaken lyrium addled waste of air. Trevelyan took another long gulp of foul tasting ale and let out an exasperated sigh. Dorian raised a brow at her.

“Now this may be my imagination, but you seem a little upset after your recent adventure.” She just glared at him. They’d been back at Skyhold all of an hour, during which time she’d dropped Cole off with the Healers, found Dorian and dragged him to the tavern. Cole had been mercifully semi-conscious for most of the trip back, and Varric had been worrying over him like a mother hen for most of it, so Trevelyan was able to keep her distance barring a few healing spells. But she was such an imbecile, letting herself kiss Cole like that. With any luck, he’d chalk it up to some pain induced hallucination… though she very much doubted it.

“I’m a moron.”

“I could have told you that, my dear.” Dorian said with a smirk. She glowered at him.

“Seriously!” Dorian held his hands up in mock surrender.

“What have you done that’s so moronic? Besides not taking me _again_ on one of your little missions? Honestly, I’m going stir crazy…” Trevelyan stopped listening. She was too caught up in her own thoughts. 

This couldn’t happen… Cole was already taking stupid risks for her. Any more and Maker knows what could happen… so much went wrong just from simple human relationships… and Cole was a Spirit to boot, or at least, partly a spirit. She had no idea how much damage her emotions could do to him. She’d heard Solas rant about mankind twisting spirits into demons… what if…

She stood so quickly that Dorian jumped, only just managing not to drop his ale.

What if she turned him into a demon?

“I need to speak to someone.” She said.

“You’ve only just dragged me in here!” She ruffled his hair, eliciting a yelp of outrage. “I’ll be back… Don’t move.”

“As if I would.” He called after her as she began walking away.

 

* * *

 

“How are you feeling, Kid?” Varric hadn’t left his side. His worry was as loud as the Inquisitor’s, but without the guilty edge.

“Broken. And confused.” Cole said, wriggling a little under his fresh plaster.

“The broken part I get… but confused?” he chuckled, light tones to soften the worry. “Not much room for confusion. You got in the way of a bear to save the girl you love, right?” Cole looked away, frowning.

“You shouldn’t have told her.”

“So I _was_ right.” He murmured. _Two unlikely souls find love on the battlefield, otherworldly good and a force of light-_ Cole shook his head violently. No, it wasn’t like that.  

“Stop making books.”

“Ah, sorry Kid, can’t help it…” Varric patted his good arm. “So, I take it you two have talked about it? What happened?”

“She… said liking her was a bad idea.”

“Hmm… the Inquisitor’s got some dark shit locked away somewhere, I can tell. She never lets anyone in, and she’s ignored plenty of chances.”

“Cullen.”

“Yeah, Cullen.”

“He thinks about her a lot. He wishes she saw him the way he sees her. But she only sees a friend, commander, trusts him with everything except herself. She doesn’t trust herself with herself.”

“And how does she see you?” Cole frowned, thinking.

“Before, it was…Curious, careful, want to know but don’t want to push, break, say the wrong thing and hurt.”

“And now?”

“Guilt, worry, pain… Wishes she could stop me feeling the things I do. But she didn’t push my hand away, even though her mind was screaming at her to. She likes the feeling, just like I do, but she doesn’t want to like it. And she kissed me.” Varric took a breath too quickly, coughing and gasping.

“Sh,she _what_?” his eyes were wide in disbelief.

“In the tent. But it made her cry.”

“Maker’s breath, how do I miss these things?” Varric muttered, shaking his head. “Damn Kid, between you and Curly, I was betting on Curly… no offence.”

“No, I understand. Cullen is very handsome. Dorian likes to imagine him when-”

“Yes, ok!” Varric cut across him quickly. “It’s not just that though. Between you and the Inquisitor, you’ve probably got the combined emotional maturity of a four year old! I never imagined…” His eyes were on Cole again, bright and sparkling, like they had been in the mountains, when he’d talked them into splitting up. “So, what are you going to do?”

 

* * *

 

“Solas?” Trevelyan called. The elven man looked up from his place at his desk, hands holding an old, dusty volume.

“Inquisitor. Welcome back. I heard about Cole… an incredibly selfless act.”

“Word travels fast.” She muttered, feeling her guts squirming with guilt. Or lyrium. Or ale. Probably all three. “I need your advice.”

“Oh?” Solas shut the book and stood. The way he moved somehow always put her at ease, like he was somehow always in complete and total control. He’d know what to do.

“Yeah. I’m just going to come out and say this because… well, it’s…” She groaned, rubbing her temples. Solas just watched, looking wistful and bemused. “Cole. Likes me. In a non-friend way.”

“…Ah.”

“And see that’s not the worst part.” She started pacing. “Because that on its own is dealable with. He’s new to being more human… probably just, you know, feeling new stuff and… and I could have dealt with that. Anyway, after the bear attack I was guilty and tired and _really_ high on lyrium and he looked so sweet, all wrapped in bandages looking at me with those _eyes_ and he said touching me made the pain less so I… kissed him.”

“Ah.” She halted her pacing. Solas was still standing beside his desk as before, but his posture was rigid, like he was fighting with himself not to lurch forward and strangle her. “And just what, Inquisitor, did you need my advice on?” She faltered. The _sort_ of advice had never even occurred to her. She had just expected Solas to know what to do. Spirits were his thing, after all. But what did she even want? Assurances that she wouldn’t turn Cole into a demon, or confirmation that staying away was healthier for him?

“Er…”

“If you are unsure, perhaps I may instead give you my opinion.” Solas paused, taking a steadying breath. “I know Cole has been made more human, but he is still, at least partly, a spirit. Spirits, when exposed to human emotion, are easily overwhelmed by it. They cannot understand it, but are drawn to it, and it distorts them, twists their purpose, turns them into monsters. Cole is… _was…_ a spirit of Compassion. Compassion is one of the kindest, warmest, most fragile spirits of them all. It barely ever survives contact with reality. It _feels_ for everything. It can be twisted by any negative emotion. Envy, Rage, Despair… Desire. I do not know how much of Cole is still a spirit, but the change in him is very recent, and I would be incredibly wary of overloading him with new emotion he can barely understand. I would not like to see him become a demon.” Trevelyan flinched. A demon. So she could turn Cole into a demon…

“But there’s… no way to tell, right? He could be too human to turn…” Solas made a noise of irritation.

“Must you always gamble, Inquisitor? You gambled with his freedom when you allowed Varric to humanise him, rendering the amulet useless. Will you also gamble with his very life by forcing an overwhelming array of new feelings and emotions upon him?” Emotions she didn’t even know if she was capable of sustaining… or even properly feeling…

“…No.” she murmured, feeling the word settle hard in her heart, like an ice cold stone. She could have done enough damage to a normal person… but she could literally destroy everything Cole was if she let herself. “I won’t.” Solas relaxed a little.

“I’m sorry if this was not what you wanted to hear. But Cole is still a spirit. We don’t know how he will react to… Lust is a demon’s prerogative, not a spirit’s.”

 

* * *

 

They said little else. Solas gave her a few empty promises that it was for the best and then she left, intent on going back to the tavern to drink herself into another two-day hangover. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting… maybe somewhere in the back of her mind she’d known exactly what Solas had been going to say, and she just needed his affirmation to stomp down the pesky trickle of hope that had been leaking from the dam of her emotions. She learned long ago that nothing good came from romantic feelings, and yet fate had decided to throw this at her. Someone she could really fuck up beyond redemption.

As if saving the world wasn’t complicated enough.

She took a quick detour to look over the wall and down at their makeshift hospital. She couldn’t help it, she just needed to check if Cole was up and walking yet.

He was sat up on one of the portable beds, which was a good sign. She felt a little of her tension bleed away as one of the healers came and checked him over before moving on. She wanted to go down there, see for herself that he was ok. He’d been so weak and feverish, and her pathetic attempt at healing magic hadn’t done much past stopping the bleeding a little. But she knew she didn’t _just_ want to check on him. She was already craving the feel of his lips, the softness of his skin… whether it was because she’d been bereft for so many years, or because Solas had told her not to and she was being defiant, or because of something much more dangerous… she didn’t know. Whatever the reason, however, she knew that going down there would only cause harm. She sighed, backing away from the wall and heading off in the direction of the tavern.

 

* * *

 

Cole saw her looking down at him. He couldn’t see her clearly, couldn’t hear her mind even if he concentrated, but the fact that she had been checking up on him warmed his heart. 

He tested his shoulder carefully. The healers had been very thorough, using magic and poultices, stitching up the holes and cleaning his dressings regularly. He vaguely remembered Evie threatening the healers’ lives if he didn’t recover when she dropped him off… perhaps that was _why_ they’d been so thorough. 

Cole wanted to see her. He remembered her lips on his, and the memory alone sent shivers down his spine and something much darker pooling in his belly that he didn’t really understand. He wanted her to know he was ok so she could stop hurting and worrying… and he wanted to kiss her again.

 

“ _You’re human now, Kid. If you want something, you need to learn to fight for it._ ”

“ _But what if she doesn’t want me to fight? What if it makes her even more sad?_ ”

“ _Kid, she came to see me after a Terror took a chunk out of my leg a while back and she certainly didn’t kiss me. There’s something there, I promise you._ ”

 

Something there… the prospect terrified and exhilarated him. He’d never thought past wanting to see her and make sure she was ok… he’d consigned himself to following her in secret, enjoying the moments he could get and being content with them, never thinking there could be something more. After all, he was… he didn’t even know what he was.

He stood slowly, testing his legs. He’d forgotten how much teleporting tired him out.

“Young man!” the woman who had changed his bandages last hurried over to him, “You are _not_ ready to leave yet!”

“It’s ok, I heal faster than real humans.” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Sit down.” Cole sighed, obeying. He would go to her tonight, then… though he had no idea what he would say.


	6. Chapter 6

“And then, _then!_ This fucking great _bear_ comes up behind me while I’m bent over like an Antivan whore-”

“Wish I’d seen that…”

“-And fucking rushes me!” Trevelyan took a large swig of her drink and slammed the tankard down on the table. Dorian was swirling the remains of his own drink around, head resting in one hand, watching her amusedly. It was the same expression he’d worn a couple of nights before when he _knew_ she was meandering into inebriation. He’d probably start telling her to stop drinking soon, just so he could defend himself later on when people asked him why he hadn’t stopped her…

“You know, I think you’ve had rather too much alcohol.” And there it was. Trevelyan sighed.

“And _I_ think I spend too much time around you. You’re becoming predictable.” Dorian’s eyes went wide, looking like she’d slapped him.

“Now you take that back before I bend you over this table. I am _never_ predictable!”

“Pft. Try it, Pavus. See how far it gets you.” He smirked at her.

“You know, you may just be the most entertaining person I’ve ever met. Besides myself, of course.”

“Meet yourself often, do you?” She snapped back, draining her tankard and then sighing loudly. “What am I going to do?”

“Well, judging from that delightful bear story – which you’ve told me thrice now, just so you know – I would recommend tracking Cole down and sticking your tongue down his throat.” She caught the barkeeper’s eyes and gestured for more drinks, seeing Dorian’s smile widen.

“I’m not going near him. I’ll corrupt him.”

“I know. It’s delicious.”

“Dorian!” She yelped, “It’s not funny! I could turn him into a demon!”

“Says _Solas._ ” Dorian waved her off, “Who, contrary to what you seem to believe, does _not_ know everything.” The barkeeper came over with two full tankards, setting them down on the table. Trevelyan was eternally glad she had a tab set up – she didn’t think she could muster the concentration to count money right now.

“He knows more than I do.”

“That doesn’t take much effort.”

“Dorian…” She whined, taking a few deep gulps of ale. Dorian sighed.

“Ok, fine. Serious time. What do you really get from staying away from him, apart from the both of you pining like idiots? I can assure you that he won’t stop caring for you – it’s rather difficult, I will attest – and you’re craving that weird little spirit-boy. You’ll mess up again, or he’ll press the issue. Why even _bother_ putting yourselves through this idiotic back-and-fore?”

“You don’t understand.” Trevelyan muttered sadly, looking down into her already half-finished tankard. Dorian didn’t know what life was like in a _real_ circle, or what had happened during her time there. He didn’t know how it felt to wonder whether you’d ever be able to love like they did in romance novels. He was a shameless flirt and took pride in having no ties, but deep down she knew Dorian would love to settle down with the right man. Whereas she…

 

“ _I love you, Evelyn.”_

 

…The past had told her all she needed.

 

She sighed, draining the last of her drink and standing. Dorian watched her, frowning.

“Not going to drink until I need to carry you back this time?”

“Cole got worried last time.” She muttered, only realising what she’d said as Dorian’s face split into a knowing smirk. “Shut up.” She snapped.

 

* * *

 

It had gotten dark outside already, and the air was biting. Trevelyan looked out over the hospital again as she went by, but couldn’t see Cole down there. A little disappointed, she made her way through the courtyard, into the main hall and up to her quarters, stumbling only a few times, which was good considering she’d put away almost as much as before. Perhaps she would build up a tolerance that would allow her to drink her pain away each night and still fight demons and ancient magister darkspawn creatures during the day without being hung over…

She closed the door to her quarters behind her and let out a loud sigh, leaning back against it. Maker, she was tired.

“Evie.”

“Agh!” She yelped, nearly jumping out of her skin as Cole’s head popped up over the railings from her room to look down at her. “Cole! What the… why are you in my room?!” she snapped, making her way up to him quickly, face red and heart pounding. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“I didn’t mean to…” He murmured, watching her carefully, “I just wanted to see you…” She bit back a retort as her eyes landed on his bandages, poking out from underneath his jumper.

“Should you be up and about? Did the healers say you could leave the hospital?” He shifted uneasily.

“They didn’t say I couldn’t…” She groaned, massaging her temples.  

“Cole…” he averted his eyes, fiddling with his sleeve.

“You don’t want to see me?” Of course she did. She just didn’t want to want to see him. She sighed, resigning herself to the situation, and flicked her hand towards the fireplace, where the smouldering embers burst into life again, lighting up the room with an orange glow.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” She said, avoiding his question. She sat down on the sofa near the stairs and Cole copied her, sitting down next to her with a reasonable distance between them. He watched her carefully, ice blue eyes searching hers.

“You don’t want to talk about it. The kissing.” Straight to the point, then. She bit back a sigh. She'd been rehearsing this, but she still didn't feel ready.

“It’s not… I shouldn’t have done it. I accept full responsibility, I’m an idiot, and I’m sorry.” Cole was frowning at her, confused. He moved to grab her sleeve, pulling her hand into his, and Maker forgive her, she was too drunk and exhausted to force herself to pull away. His fingers were slightly cold as they trailed lightly over the back of her hand.

“I’m not sorry…” he murmured.

“Cole… what are you doing?”

“Fighting. I think.” He frowned again, keeping his eyes on their joined hands. “But I don’t really know how… I don’t understand what I want, or what I’m feeling, but I want to be near you… I like feeling your skin, I liked the kissing… I want more.” Trevelyan felt a thrill rush up her spine, unable to tell whether it was fear or excitement.

“You don’t know what you’re asking. I can't- I don’t _do_ relationships.”

“Neither do I… or, I didn’t… I’ve never been interested in girls. I don’t even know exactly what it is I want. But I like you. A lot more than anyone else, and in a different way. Being away from you is hard… and when you kissed me, I felt…” He shivered, unable to continue. She felt heat pool low inside her. “Can’t we both just… see if it’s possible?” she opened her mouth to argue, but found no words. It was hard to argue against something you wanted, no matter how ill-advised it was… “Cole… I can’t…” Cole shuffled closer, leaning towards her slowly. She could see him physically shaking, eyes a little too wide, terrified by his own actions and the thought she might push him away. He cautiously cupped her cheek, searching her eyes.

“Why?”

“You’re too innocent. I’ll hurt you.” He frowned, cocking his head in confusion. He was so close… she subconsciously leaned into him, into his touch.

“Do you think I’m a child, like Varric does?” She chuckled, despite how torn she felt. They were both inching forwards now, little by little.

“No… definitely not. I may be messed up, but not enough to want to have sex with someone I considered a child…” Cole’s eyes flitted to her lips, spare hand settling on her hip.

“Then-” she closed the last few inches between them, kissing him softly. Her arms circled around his neck, pulling him closer, and she felt his nervous shaking lessen as his grip on her tightened. She removed his hat and flung it away, hands raking through his hair, pushing her tongue inside his mouth when he gasped. He tasted so exotic, fresh and sweet and, somehow, a little like lyrium. His lips were soft and insistent against hers, inexperienced but so eager. She shuddered, pulling away for breath, resting her head against Cole’s shoulder. He held her close, both of them breathing a little too hard.

“Damn.” She murmured. She looked up at Cole, saw his blown pupils and red lips, felt urges long hidden away inside her waking up. She wanted those lips on her skin. She wanted the hands holding her so gently to be on her breasts, her thighs, inside her… she wanted-

 

_“This is the last time I’ll be seeing you.”_

She quickly stomped down on her memories in case Cole was feeling invasive, but it served as a bucket of ice water to her heated thoughts. “Cole, I… need to think… can you give me some time?”

“…Oh.” Cole murmured, shifting a little in place. “I… yes. Time.” He averted his eyes for a moment, and then pressed a kiss to her forehead. It was such a sweet gesture that she felt her heart melt a little. “Good night.”

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Trevelyan woke up with a truly horrific headache. No, she decided, she was _not_ getting any more used to drinking. It still made her guts ache and her head feel like it was split open.

Her memories came back to her slowly. Cole. He had come to see her. They’d talked. They’d kissed again. _Passionately._ She groaned, feeling arousal pooling inside her, mixing with her nausea to form a truly insidious new type of torture. She remembered her tongue in his mouth, the sounds he’d made, the way he shook from nerves.

She was a terrible person. She was going straight to the Void. How could she have let this happen, drink or no, after deciding so vehemently _not_ to? Not that it should ever have been up for debate; she’d decided long ago not to getting involved with anyone again, sexually or otherwise. Just _how_ Cole had managed to sneak past her defences and settle into her heart without her realising was confounding.

Even now, led in bed with a throbbing headache and a bruised conscience, she felt hot and restless just thinking about kissing him again. She _wanted_ him. It had been a long time since she’d felt like this.

 

The day passed by at a snail’s pace. Trevelyan busied herself as best she could, checking in with various people, tending her plants in the gardens, receiving updates on field missions at the war table – but always, above everything she did, there was a nervous excitement inside her that she might see Cole. She wasn’t sure what she wanted more – to see him, or to avoid him. Either way, it left her unable to concentrate. Even Cullen snapped at her for not paying attention and he normally had the patience of a saint with her – though they _were_ discussing the lives of his soldiers out on the field, so she looked appropriately sheepish and tried harder to concentrate.

She avoided the Herald’s Rest, partly to stop herself drinking and partly because Cole spent a lot of time there, so she could at least _try_ to pretend she was actively evading him. By the time night fell, she was exhausted from fighting herself all day. She practically collapsed into bed, diving beneath the sheets, trying to convince herself she was glad – and not disappointed – that Cole hadn’t visited her again.

 

* * *

 

It was hard to stay away. The distance made his skin itch and his heart ache, and a loud voice inside him told him over and over to go to her. It drowned out the people around him to the point where he couldn’t hear them to help, and that made him even sadder. He was lonely, useless, and missed her so much.

Cole wondered how much time was enough. He didn’t even know what the time was for; Evie had been so conflicted, different parts of her screaming out different things until even Cole was confused. Was she still arguing with herself even now? What if he stayed away too long and she forgot about him?

He saw her a few times during the day. She dashed about the keep, meeting people and keeping busy. Cole watched her from the ramparts, aching to talk to her, touch her, kiss her. He loved kissing her. But he stayed away, gave her time. Time he hoped wouldn’t just take her further away from him.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Three days passed before Trevelyan saw Cole again. She hadn’t sought him out at all, hadn’t even seen him in passing, and it was slowly driving her insane. On the second day, she’d asked Varric, as casually as she could muster, how Cole was doing. The dwarf’s face had spilt into a devious grin and he’d told her to ask him herself. She avoided him too, from then on. Just like she was avoiding Dorian, who now asked whether she was ‘getting any yet’ every time he saw her.

On the third day she could take no more. After almost constant warring with herself and getting absolutely nowhere, she found herself climbing the stairs in the Herald’s Rest up to the top floor.

Cole was sat with his back up against the wall, several brightly coloured balls of wool surrounding him. He froze when he saw her, mouth open in silent shock. She drank him in, feeling days of unrest falling away just by being able to see him. He rose slowly, stepping over the wool to stand in front of her.

“ _Can’t force the fight any more, need to see him, aching, lost, will it be the same? Please don’t let it be the same…_ ”

“Hello to you too.” She managed. Cole smiled, his hand coming up to brush her hair behind her ear and she shivered at the feel of his fingers against her scalp.

“I missed you.” His smile dropped a little. “I’m sorry, I don’t know whether you want to hear that or not.”

“Neither do I.” Trevelyan sighed. “How are your wounds?”

“Healed. Mostly. There’s a tonic I need to have three times a day, so I visit the healer… Her mother made her a woollen cat when she was a child. She carried it with her, thought it kept her safe… she lost it in Haven.” Cole frowned, glancing back at the balls of wool. “I can’t knit.” She couldn’t quite stifle a chuckle at the concerned look on his face. He truly was a miracle, having spent so long among ridiculous, selfish humans and still managing to be so… so… _him._  

“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better at least… and… I missed you too.” She admitted.

“Have you had enough time then?” Cole asked, cocking his head.

“I…” She didn’t know how to answer that. She knew the risks, she knew her past, she knew what Solas had told her and she knew how utterly futile and _dangerous_ pursuing something would be… but that didn’t stop her wanting it. Her feelings, her _need_ to see him – because that was what it had become – hadn’t diminished at all over the past three days.

Cole watched her carefully, eyes boring into her, most likely picking up on her struggle. He leaned in towards her, tilting his head slightly, and kissed her gently. She responded without thinking, hands coming up to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer, pressing them together. Cole shuddered, one hand cupping her cheek, achingly sweet even as her lust took over, pooling low inside her, making her want to shove him up against a wall.

She broke away, gasping, taking a few stumbling steps backwards before she did something she’d regret. Maker, he was going to be the death of her…

“I’m sorry. Did I do it wrong?” Cole asked. The hand that had been cupping her cheek was frozen in the air, reaching out to her.

“No… No, I just… don’t think this is the right time or place.” She managed, stamping down hard on her raging hormones.  

“Can I visit you tonight then?” He ventured, either oblivious to her dilemma or, more likely, confused by it. She faltered, warring with herself yet again. This was madness. It was all madness. And yet she found herself saying yes.

 

* * *

 

That night, when he came to see her, she didn’t have any fight left in her. He joined her on the sofa, where she’d been sitting for almost an hour wringing her hands together waiting for him. There were no words. Words tripped them both up. Cole’s eyes simply searched for permission, and she smiled wistfully, leaning into him. His lips were still so soft and pleasantly cool, and as he tilted his head, tongue pushing for entrance into her mouth, she sighed, vaguely noting that he was getting better at this as she gave herself over to the feeling.

She somehow made her way onto his lap, straddling him, hands pushing through his blonde locks, his hat lost somewhere behind them. Cole let out a small sound, somewhere between a moan and a whimper, and she drew back.

“Are you ok?” she asked. He nodded fervently, hands flying to her hips as if scared she would leave.

“Fine, I’m fine.” He said. With his hair pushed back out of his eyes, Trevelyan could see they were hazy and unfocussed.

“Maybe we should stop…”

“No! I-I mean, I don’t…” he groaned, seeming to give up on words. Tentatively, he placed his hand behind her neck coaxing her forwards. She obliged, tilting her head to meet his lips again. The kiss was different, less gentle, but only a little, as if Cole was still trying to figure out where he wanted this to go. He pulled away and trailed kisses down her neck, making her shiver. Ok, that was new…

“You want more.” He murmured into her shoulder. She stilled. “You think about it. A lot.” He looked up at her and Trevelyan felt herself blushing. “I… want to try those things you think about. Sometimes I want them so much that it hurts. I’ve been thinking about them a lot too while you were gone.”

“Cole, I don’t think that’s a good idea… We- _this_ between us, it hasn’t been going on very long and I wouldn’t want to take advantage…” He smiled at her.

“So kind… always so kind…” She sighed, getting to her feet. It was hard to think rationally when she was sitting in his lap. But she had to. Cole was new to all of this and it wasn’t like she knew what she was doing any more. Or at all.

“Cole, please…” She turned away, moving towards the bed, leaning against one of the posts. “I don’t want to overwhelm you…”

“You won’t… well, you might, but in a good way.” Cole stood and took a few steps towards her. “You can’t worry forever. I’m ready, I promise. You don’t have to always-” she put her hand on his chest, sighing as the last of her resolve flickered away. At this point, her resolve was a tiny voice that sounded like Solas in the back of her mind, barely audible any more over her rocketing libido.

“Ok.” She murmured. Cole fell silent, hand coming up to cover hers on his chest.

“Ok?” he echoed, hope and fear both evident in his tone. She shivered a little, heart thundering in her chest, and nodded.

“Shall I start?” Cole nodded, watching her intently. She began to undo the buttons of her shirt, slowly, teasing them open. Cole’s hands clenched and unclenched, watching her progress, leaning slightly towards her. 

The shirt fell away and she pulled her undershirt up over her head, leaving just her bra in place. Cole reached out to touch her, but she held back.

“Not yet.” If they were going to do this, she would at least need to control how.

 

_He’s still a spirit. We don’t know how he will react to… Lust is a demon’s prerogative, not a spirit’s._

She couldn’t let him be tainted by her…

 

“You look sad.” Cole’s words jarred her out of her thoughts. He reached out again, and this time she didn’t object. His gloves scratched over the skin of her waist, fingertips exploring her, holding her close.

“I’m just worried, Cole… I know you said not to be, but it’s not that easy. I can’t help thinking that-”

“Maybe it’s best not to think… and to face your fears.” She smiled, laughing despite herself. The conversation they’d had up on the ramparts… it felt like a lifetime ago.

“Because once you’ve done it, stuff gets better?” Cole returned her smile. She felt her jangling nerves settle a bit. “Ok.” Cole’s hands moved up to her bra, playing with the fastening.

“Can I…?”

“From now on, just do what feels right. I’ll stop you if I need to.” Cole’s fingers unhooked her, and the last flimsy piece of clothing north of her hips fell away. He looked down at her, worshipping her with his eyes. He cupped one breast in his hand, thumb skating across her nipple, making her gasp.

“They’re sensitive.” He murmured. She nodded.  He did it again, and she felt it in her groin. Groaning, her hands moved to the hem of his jumper, and she slowly pulled it up over his head. Once it had joined her clothes on the floor, she smoothed her fingers over his skin. It was so pale, soft, but with hard muscle underneath. He had fresh scars across his shoulder from the bear, large and pink, but nothing much older. She frowned, knowing she’d seen him take hits before…

“I bleed easier now. I’m more me, so there’s more here to hurt.” He answered her silent question. Trevelyan sighed, pressing a kiss to his chest, over his heart.

“You need to be more careful.”

“You don’t like scars?”

“I don’t like you being in danger.” She corrected, gently guiding him back towards the bed, feeling the irony of her words eating away at her. He sat on the edge, and she straddled him again, kissing him deeply. He let out a shuddering moan as her breasts brushed against his skin, and his hands slid down the length of her back. She cupped his face in her hands, sliding her tongue into his mouth, pushing him with her body until they fell back onto the bed with her on top. She gasped as she felt how hard he was already through the material separating them. How _big._ Somehow she hadn’t been expecting that, and the realisation set her on fire. She wanted him inside her, wanted to feel him fucking her into the mattress, wanted –

“Your thoughts are getting very loud again.” Cole murmured into her lips. Trevelyan pulled back, blushing, looking down at his flushed face, messy hair, lips swollen from kissing… she’d never wanted anything as much as she just wanted to fuck him.

 

…She just wanted to fuck him…

 

She reeled backwards, darting up and away from him, memories of secret meetings and distraught eyes flooding her mind. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t give in to her wants. She _knew_ what happened when she did!! Stupid, _stupid_ girl…

Cole sat up on his elbows, frowning, concerned.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” she said firmly, running a shaking hand through her hair, hating herself, and turned to lean against her desk, facing away from him. She’d forgotten herself; how much she’d enjoyed sex, how little it meant to her. How easily everything else fell away when she gave in. “I just… don’t think this is a good idea. I never did, and I’m sorry. I let this go too far. But we should stop. It’s better this way.” Stunned silence filled the room, and she felt herself wavering dangerously on the edge of her resolve, body aching with need but heart and mind screaming at her to get away. No, she couldn’t do this… she would just use him and throw him away… it was what she did, and he was worth so much more than that.

“I don’t understand…” she heard him get up, approach slowly. “You want this. Your thoughts… they’re so loud. But you always push me away.”

“I don’t want to corrupt you.” She felt a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not a child.”

“Yes you are!” Trevelyan snapped, shaking his hand away, turning to glare at him. He looked stricken, but she was too far gone and she needed him to leave. She shoved his jumper at him, keeping her eyes away from his sculpted chest. “You don’t know anything about the world and _I_ can’t be the one to show you! I’m too…”

“ _Meeting in the storeroom under the stairs, have to be quick, can’t get caught. He pulls up my robes, neither of us wearing underwear_ …” Cole started murmuring, eyes far away. Trevelyan felt her throat constrict.

“Cole, stop.”

“ _No time to prepare, like it rough anyway, pushes me up against the wall, drives inside me like a knife…”_

“Stop it!”

“ _Pain becomes pleasure, overrides everything, no Circle, no magic, nothing outside this feeling. Harder, faster, feel the shelves biting into my back, don’t care. More, more_ …”

“Stop!” she slapped him, hard. Cole staggered a little, clutched his cheek, looking terrified.

“I’m sorry! I just wanted to understand!”

“And did that help, Cole? Did sneaking into my memories help you at all?!” She crossed her arms, trying to hide her nakedness. “Get out.”

“But I love you!” He cried. She felt her heart break at that. Not again… please Maker, not again…  

“Get. _Out_!”

 

* * *

 

_They broke apart, gasping for breath. Her legs were trembling as she sorted her robes out, feeling deliciously sated. Damn, this guy was good._

_“Evelyn…”_

_“Hmm?” she answered, quickly trying to tame her hair._

_“I wanted to talk to you… about… us.” She stilled for a moment, and then carried on._

_“You want to meet up again? I’m more than willing. When are you next free?”_

_“No- I mean, yes, I want to meet up again. But not just for_ this _…”_

_“What, you don’t like this?” She frowned, looking up into his big brown eyes… what was his name?_

_“Yes, I love this… I love meeting up with you but I know you… meet up with other men as well.”_

_“Everyone does.” She folded her arms across her chest, defensive._

_“I know.” He said quickly. “I’m not calling you anything, here. I just want us to be more than that. I love you, Evelyn.” Her eyes widened. “I have for a long time. I don’t want to be just another friend with benefits, I-”_

_“This is the last time I’ll be seeing you.” She said firmly._

_“But-”_

_“Good bye.” He looked devastated as she walked out._

Trevelyan jolted awake, clutching at the fabric of her bedcovers. She took in her surroundings quickly, and with a deep breath, shook her head.

It had been a long time since she’d dreamt about Dan. That had been his name, and she’d known it all too well back in the circle after what had happened. He had been gorgeous, tall and muscular with deep, dark eyes and a beautiful smile. Dan had come to the Circle late. He’d been an unknowing apostate, living with his parents on a farm, tending the animals and never knowing why he was kept away from everyone else, or why his father hit him when he made fire in his hands. He’d been caught and brought in, put through the Harrowing straight away and somehow lived through it. Everyone admired him for it. He’d been a fast study, grew into his powers quickly. Once he’d figured out how the Circle operated, he approached her for sex and she, of course, said yes. She’d been almost deviant back then in her dealings with men. Insatiable. She hadn’t known she was the only one he’d approached until a few months in. By then it was too late.

She’d lived in the circle a lot longer than he had, and she knew the system a lot better. Mages did _not_ develop feelings for each other. The ones which did got separated, fast. Sometimes by entire countries. Casual sex stopped them all feeling so lonely, but it was just that. Sex. No exclusivity, no _feelings_. It just scratched an itch, as Bull put it. He’d told her once she’d do well under the Qun with her attitude towards sex. Well, as long as she didn’t mind having her tongue cut out for being a mage.

But Dan had wanted more… and the minute he’d admitted it, she’d stopped all contact with him, thinking to protect them both. She never saw him again. The First Enchanter had announced his suicide at an assembly, and they’d held his funeral in the grounds. She didn’t attend. She didn’t mourn. There was nothing to mourn, after all. They weren’t friends. They hadn’t socialised. All they had been to each other had happened behind closed doors in the darkest nooks of the tower. It shouldn’t have been enough to- it hadn’t been worth his life.

Trevelyan noticed there were tears running down her face and she wiped at them furiously. This was _not_ the time to discover her long-dead humanity. She had a world to save. She wasn’t…

 

“ _I love you, Evelyn.”_

 

 

…Some terrifying part of her back then had loved Dan too, though she’d only realised it after he’d killed himself. She’d closed herself off completely after that, stopped having casual sex, just in case she hurt someone else through it. There had been a lot of disappointed men in the Ostwick circle tower when she’d suddenly turned chaste. Somewhere along the line, she’d simply stopped noticing men completely.

 

“ _But I love you!_ ”

 

“Cole…” she whispered. She’d managed to hurt someone else anyway. Possibly _the_ worst someone else to hurt, considering most people didn’t have the option of being corrupted into becoming a demon.

No, it was better this way. They hadn’t been serious, it hadn’t gotten to the point of sex. Cole was just new to emotions, didn’t really know what love was. He’d get over it. He’d be safe, and he’d get over it.

 

* * *

 

Too many thoughts, too many feelings. She’d been thinking of someone else when they were together. She’d thrown him out, pushed him away _again._ He loved her and she’d been remembering someone else, memories hovering close to the surface, poking, prying at her subconscious, making her falter. Better this way, she said. Better with a hole in his heart, empty space which _ached_ with every breath, hollow cutting, biting pain. She’d called him a child, after saying he wasn’t… Her thoughts were so loud, so graphic, he’d revelled in being wanted like that… then she’d shut them out. _Why?_

Cole didn’t go to Varric, not this time. Thinking about this hurt, and he knew talking about it would hurt even more. And he didn’t _want_ Varric to know. This felt… personal. He shouldn’t have pried into her mind, should have tried to fix things like a human. Now he’d ruined everything, and he couldn’t make her forget and try again.

He brought his knees up to his chest, hugging them, rocking dangerously even though he was sitting on the edge of the battlements. He didn’t care.

 

_“You need to be more careful.”_

 

… But she did. Cole frowned. He stood, hopped down from the ledge and sat with his back against it, staring up at the stars. She pushed him away because… she cared. Too much. Beyond being scared. Something else. Needling thoughts in the back of her mind, something in the past pressing down on her, shaping her responses. Something had happened before. Something to do with that man? Cole felt sick thinking about her memories, another man touching her, so rough and careless, using her, using each other. He _hated_ that man.

Jealousy. This was jealousy.

Jealousy… _Envy._

She was scared of corruption, of him becoming a desire demon. But the things she made him feel… regardless of sex… the emotions, they were all human. They hurt, stung him, made him feel lost and scared, but they were real. He felt them and he didn’t give in to them. Envy, Despair, Fear… he felt them all.

 

But he was no demon.


	8. Chapter 8

The next time Trevelyan saw Cole, she’d expected it to be awkward. She thought he’d be sad, withdrawn, maybe even a little wary of her because she’d hit him. But the next morning he was… _fine._ He sat through the briefing with Cassandra, didn’t flinch as Trevelyan picked Sera over him for a journey into the Hinterlands with Solas and Bull, said goodbye to her politely and left with everyone else. She was… flummoxed.

Their journey took over a week as they scouted out old ruins and hunted down the mysterious shards. They even found and closed two more rifts. How Trevelyan managed to stay alive through it all was a miracle, because all she could think about was Cole. It was maddening. She’d dreaded his reaction to her and then he’d been _fine_ with her, like nothing had happened! She was caught between relief and disappointment – She’d wanted this, right? She’d wanted him to move on, to not be hurt by her in any way. But somehow now that it seemed like he’d done exactly that, she felt bloody awful.

She kept thinking about Dan as well. After years and years of using his memory as a reason for the way she behaved, for the choices she made, she realised she’d all but forgotten the details. It was a shadow in the back of her mind, this horrible thing that she’d caused which she didn’t want to think about and would never let happen again.

She remembered, back then, thinking that since she’d never experienced real love or affection from a man that it would be easy to prevent another such incident if she just gave up sex. Which had been hard, granted, because she’d been having _a lot_ of sex. But the withdrawal faded in time. She’d poured herself into her studies, her training -  she’d even had to take her Harrowing early because she was so far ahead of her classmates. And for years, it had worked.

Until Cole.

When they camped at night, Trevelyan would listen to the distant bicker of Solas and Sera whilst looking up at the red material of her tent and imagining Cole, back in Skyhold, selflessly helping people, learning and growing and getting over her… and her heart ached. She was the only thing he’d ever chosen for himself… and she was a complete let down.

 

* * *

 

Trevelyan looked up at the towering silhouette of Skyhold as it loomed before them. It was already dark – they’d misjudged the winds and rain and had found themselves battling against it most of the way back, leading them to be soaking, frozen and very late in returning.

A few stable hands scurried forwards to take their ailing horses away as they entered through the main gates. Sera stomped away towards the tavern, babbling about needing a drink, and Bull followed, agreeing readily. Trevelyan sighed, eyes on their destination, wondering if Cole was still up.

She noticed Solas was watching her.

“…What?” she ventured, frowning. Solas gestured that they should carry on up to the main hall, and they walked in silence for a moment.

“Your utter lack of focus during our mission… was it due to Cole?” he asked. She flinched, averting her eyes. “I shall take that as a yes, then.” Solas sighed, “Inquisitor-”

“Please, Solas. I’m tired. Can we pick up this lecture tomorrow?” the elf’s eyes narrowed.

“I was not going to lecture you. I simply wished to tell you that I do not know your mind, nor do I know Cole’s. All I know is that before we left, on the few occasions I saw him, Cole was miserable. And during our travels in the past week, _you_ have been miserable – and dangerously distracted.”

“Hey, I wasn’t-”

“In one week, demons would have beheaded you thrice had I not intervened.”

“…Really?”

“Yes. And twice had Sera not intervened.” Solas said pointedly, as if to say ‘even _Sera_ was more focussed than you.’ She groaned. “My point is… If this is what distance does to you, then perhaps I was wrong in suggesting it.”

Trevelyan held his gaze for a moment, frowning slightly, and then looked away.

“I have no idea anymore, Solas.”

 

She left him in the hall and made her way up to her quarters, snagging a glass of water and a bread roll from the kitchen beforehand. She ate the roll as she went, her every step creaking and squelching uncomfortably from fatigue and soaking clothes. She couldn’t wait to have a bath, and was already fantasising about sleep as she reached the top of the stairs in her quarters.

“Evie.”

She jumped, dropping her glass. It shattered all over the floor, spraying water everywhere as she looked wildly towards a figure standing in the corner of her room, framed in moonlight.

“Goddamn it.” She cursed.

“Sorry.” The figure said, moving into the light. Cole. She relaxed a little, irritation seeping into her in place of fear.

“Cole, you _have_ to learn to knock. Or at least use the door!” Cole moved slowly towards her. She noticed that he didn’t have his hat on, which would have made discerning him a lot easier.

“Sorry,” he said again. His voice was shaky. “But I couldn’t wait for you to come to me… I didn’t know if you even would.”

“Of course I would have…” she said, stepping carefully away from the broken glass, trying to ignore her racing heart. He was here… he hadn’t given up on her. Was she glad or disappointed? Maker, she couldn’t tell. “We’re still… friends.”

“No, we’re not.” He said firmly. She faltered, frowning. “I love you. That hasn’t changed. And I think… I _hope_ you love me too.”

“ _Cole…_ ” she sighed, rubbing her temples. “It’s late, I’ve only just got back, I can’t deal with this right now.”

“I’m not just a problem to deal with!” he cried, fists clenched. “I’m a person!” He walked up to her, and she saw he was shaking, “ _You_ made me a person!” Trevelyan frowned. She placed her hands on Cole’s arms.

“Ok, I’m sorry. I just… Calm down, ok? Come on, we’ll talk.” She guided him over to the bed. She didn’t quite know why, when there was a perfectly good sofa nearby. If anything, it was probably a very bad idea. But then they were sat down on the edge, close to each other, and she was running her hand up and down his arm to soothe him, and it was too late.

“I’m sorry. It’s been hard, not seeing you… it hurt. I needed to see you tonight.” Cole murmured, voice a little calmer. “I needed to show you… that I’m not a demon.”

Trevelyan blinked, confused, her hand stilling on his arm. Cole took it in his own hands, gently, bringing it up to his mouth. He kissed her knuckles reverently before placing her hand on his leg, still cupped in his own. The small gesture sent butterflies fluttering around inside her. He took a steadying breath.

“You left me here… I don’t think you know how scared I am when you leave without me. I don’t know how long you’ll be gone, or if you’ll even come back. I lie awake at night, wondering, waiting, wishing that you come back alive and whole.” With his free hand, he raised one finger. “Fear.”

“Cole-” She began, but he shook his head quickly, eyes begging her not to speak.

“When you threw me out, it hurt so much. I felt like I was dying, like nothing mattered any more. And when you were gone, when I thought about what I could do to fix us, there were moments when I just wanted to give up, that it was all for nothing.” He held up a second finger. “Despair.” Something clicked inside her, and Trevelyan knew what he was doing. Demon names. “When I think about your life before… how casually you chose partners, how easily people were allowed that close to you… I hate it. I hate them all, all those faceless mages I’ll never meet, who have never done anything to me. I hate them.” A third finger. “Envy.” She sighed.

“I know what you’re doing, Cole…”

“I feel all these things all the time when you’re gone. If none of them have changed me, maybe I can’t become a demon anymore.” She pulled her free hand through her hair, thinking. He had a point. But lust… it was different. Dangerous. She’d already killed one person because of it… Because of what it led to.

“Cole… it’s not just you. I don’t think… I don’t know if I can be what you need.”

“You can.” He said immediately, sounding so sure of it that she almost laughed. Instead, she took a deep breath, and talked about the one thing she’d hoped never to have to. But he deserved the truth.

“There was a mage at the Ostwick Circle Tower. Daniel. He… we had a thing.”

“You had sex.”

“Yes. That thing.” She sighed, “It was meant to be casual. I mean, it _was_ casual for me. We weren’t exclusive, just regular. But he wanted more… I didn’t even notice until it was too late.” She pulled her hand away from Cole’s, feeling unworthy of such a sweet gesture when she was admitting something so dark. “I stopped seeing him when I found out that he… loved me.”

“Did you love him?” he asked, frowning.

“Not then. Or, if I did, I didn’t recognise it as love. But he… killed himself. Not long afterwards. He left a note. They never said who it was addressed to, or what he’d written, but a lot of the teachers and Templars looked at me differently after that. Accusingly. Dan had been bright, a good student, a promising mage. Because of me… all that potential was wasted.”

“You thought they blamed you? Because of the note?”

“They _did_ blame me, and they were right to. I as good as killed him because I was too cold to realise that I could have felt the same, that walking away could hurt him that much. I didn’t care. I just wanted sex.” She spat.  

“He should have fought for you.” She managed a small smile, shaking her head.

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“I think so… I don’t know if I’m doing it right.”

“You shouldn’t be, after what I just told you. You should think I’m a monster.”

“Why?” she felt Cole’s hand under her chin, gently lifting her gaze to meet his. “Because you made a mistake a long time ago?”

“A mistake that killed someone.”

“You’re the Inquisitor. You kill people all the time.” She let out a bitter bark of laughter at that.

“That isn’t very reassuring, Cole…” Cole sighed, his hand dropping away from her.

“I’m doing this wrong again.” Trevelyan watched his newfound tenacity wither. She wondered if he’d practiced what he would say to her while she was away – the thought was adorable. _He_ was adorable. She shook her head, nudging him with her shoulder.

“No. I get what you mean.” He seemed somewhat placated.

“I don’t care that you hurt someone years ago. You’ve hurt yourself over it ever since, and that shows how sorry you are, how good a person you are. You’ve helped so many people in so many different ways since then. You deserve a second chance.”

“You’re relentless.” She murmured, smiling. She couldn’t believe he was actually beating her down in this – though truth be told, after the week she’d had to endure pining over him, it was hardly surprising. And he’d listened to her story… her darkest fear, deepest regret… and shrugged it off like it was nothing. Just… accepted it.

“I’m selfish.” Cole said, dropping his gaze. “These things I’m saying… they’re all true, but I know I’m saying them because I don’t want to be without you…” Trevelyan laughed softly, cupping his cheek, making him look at her.

“That’s ok. Maybe we can both stand to be a little selfish sometimes.” She kissed him. He seemed to sag, all the tension he’d been carrying around melting away as he returned her kiss, lips moving against hers. His hand came up to her waist, resting there tentatively, thumb tracing little circles there which made her shiver. Suddenly, he pulled away.

“Wait, I had one more thing to say.” She chuckled, pressing a kiss to his throat.

“What is it?” she whispered against his neck, feeling him shudder.

“Desire. It’s what you’re most afraid will corrupt me.” Trevelyan pulled back a little, frowning.

“Yes…”

“But I don’t just feel it when we’re… close. I don’t just want you when I can hear your thoughts. It’s constant. More constant than the fear, envy, any of it… I’ve never _felt_ anything so strong before.” She smiled, shaking her head, dazed by how warm his words made her feel. So many years of coldness, of being alone… and his gentle soul made it all better. Well, he did like to help, after all…

“Let’s see what we can do about that, then.” she said, smile turning feral. He cocked his head, watching her carefully, tongue darting out to lick his lips subconsciously.

“I don’t want… I mean, I do, so much, but I don’t want you to get scared and throw me out again…”

“I won’t. I promise.” She meant it. She kicked her shoes off and straddled him, pressing her body against his, revelling in the gasp it drew from him. Cole’s arms encircled her, drawing her even closer as their lips met again in slow, sensual kisses.

“You’re really wet.” Cole said against her lips, and it took a moment before Trevelyan realised he was being literal. She was still soaked from her trip, water seeping into Cole’s trousers.

“We should really do something about that too, then.” she answered.

Somehow they managed to divest each other of clothing without ever breaking contact. Shirts and jumpers, gloves and pants, every physical barrier between them coming away until she was lying on her back, with Cole over her, feeling flushed and excited, heart erratic. She ran her hands up his arms and over his chest, skin just as soft as she remembered, muscle just as hard underneath. Cole’s fingers explored her skin, feather light touches ghosting over her neck, breasts, nipples, making her shudder. 

Cole kissed her again, rolling his hips into her gently, a subconscious movement that made her groan, feeling how hard he was, parting her knees to make room for him in between her legs. She felt him shake again, hard, his head dropping down into the curve of her neck, whispering something into her skin.

“You ok?” she asked, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m… worried. I’m always very good at this part in your thoughts, and-”

“Cole.” She sighed, “Trust me. The real thing is better. Thoughts can’t compare.”

“ _The first time is always terrible. You end up coming too fast and she just sits there wondering if that’s it. Just get it over with and try not to fuck up so bad next time_.” She laughed.

“Varric’s advice, I take it?” Cole nodded. “Tell you what, then…” she pushed gently, guided him back to rest against the covers, straddled his waist, pressing her core down on his dick, making him gasp. “Let me take it from here.” Cole’s hands moved to her hips, eyes fixed on her as she positioned his cock at her entrance. She shivered, feeling excitement build up inside her. This was her favourite part. “Ready?”

“ _Yes_.”

She pressed him slowly into her body, watching with rapt interest as Cole’s eyes rolled back and he cried out. After a few slow rolls of her hips, she took him in to the hilt, marvelling at how full she felt, trying to see through the stars in her eyes.

“Damn.” She murmured, moving slowly, getting used to feeling him inside her. It had been so long… he felt so _good_ … “You ok?” Cole nodded quickly.

“Trying not to turn into a demon.” He answered. She stilled. Then she saw his smile.

“Arse.” She snapped, laughing. She felt the very last of her reserve fall away. “Trust you to find your sense of humor _now,_ of all times!” he managed a shaky laugh, hands still gripping her hips.

“You feel so good…” he murmured. Trevelyan bit her lip, rotating her hips a little and clenching her muscles, watching his shuddering reaction with rapt interest.

“So do you.” She started moving, fast. Short, sharp rolls of her hips, bouncing hard on his cock. He gasped, trying to still her.

“Too fast, too much, I won’t…!”

“Shh.” She teased, slowing down ever so slightly to kiss him, stroking his cheek. She could practically _feel_ him building, but hard and fast was all she knew and _damn,_ he felt so good inside her, filling her, stretching her… Maker, why had she denied herself this!? “It doesn’t matter if this time is quick. There’s the time after this, and the time after that.” She grinned, picking up the pace again. He gasped, hands fisting in the sheets, no longer trying to still her. “You’re going to be _very_ busy, Cole.” All he could do was nod enthusiastically, and he started thrusting up to meet her, harder, faster. Trevelyan bit her lip, stifling a moan, hand moving to her clit to try to push herself over the edge in time. Cole’s thrusts became more haphazard as pleasure started to take over, and he grabbed her hips again, stilling her movements as he came hard inside her. She groaned, feeling her own climax falling away. So close…

But then Cole was looking up at her with such wonder in his eyes, such pure love and surprise that she found she didn’t care, and it was such a relief to realise she felt that way, that it could be all for him. She climbed off of him, legs shaking, and lay down next to him, pressing a kiss to his bicep. He curled his arm around her and she snuggled into his chest, marvelling at how right it felt considering her complete lack of experience of post-coital cuddling. She could feel his heart beating, fast and a little erratic, and she placed her hand over it with a sigh.

“I…I don’t understand. That wasn’t terrible.” He managed. She chuckled.

“What a glowing recommendation.”

“It was… I can’t… there aren’t any words…”

“Sometimes you don’t need words.” She murmured. Cole said something else, but the words were lost on her. She hadn’t slept well for a long time, and she was exhausted. She just snuggled deeper into his chest and sighed contentedly, letting dreams take her.


	9. Chapter 9

Cole woke up to the sound of running water, the taste and sound of magic in the air. It was dark still, and Evie wasn’t in bed, though where she lay was still warm. He sat up, eyes quickly finding her in the dark, her silhouette framed in moonlight, twin points of light forming in her hands, white and red, and she moved them together, magic crackling happily in between at meeting another form of itself.

He stood, noting how relaxed his muscles felt after what they had done, walking carefully over to stand beside her, watching as her fire and her ice made steaming water, flowing into a large marble bath tub. For a moment he was silent, enraptured, and then confused.

“Where did the tub come from?”

“Conjured it. I keep it nearby.” Evie said, voice quiet and light, content, free of worry. She looked at him for a moment, smiling gently, relaxed in a way Cole wasn’t used to. It was wonderful. He wanted so badly to touch her, but didn’t want to disturb her magic. “Did I wake you?”

“No. The magic did… I’ve never seen it used this way.”

“Manipulating multiple elements at once always fascinated me, but it’s far too hard to do out in the field. Still, who says magic has to be all fire in the face, eh?”

“It’s dancing. Light, playful… you’re making the wisps happy.” 

“Glad they’re having fun.” Evie chuckled. The tub filled quickly, steam rising to greet them. Once she was done, the Inquisitor put her hands down and turned to him, smiling. He liked to see her smile. Her worry for him was a smaller pain now, a tiny voice in the back of her mind, something to watch for but not to terrify her. He was glad. “Care to join me?”

“Can I touch you?” he asked. He really wanted to. She felt far too far away when he couldn’t feel her skin. She raised a brow.

“In the bath, or in general?” her arms circled his neck, pulling her flush to him, and he shuddered at the feel of her bare breasts against him. His hands moved to her hips, his new favourite place for them. “Either way is fine.” She murmured, placing a kiss to his lips.

 

* * *

 

Trevelyan had never bathed with anyone else before. She’d always imagined it to be cramped and awkward, and maybe it would have been for some. But with Cole, it seemed everything was different. They started at opposite ends of the tub, washing separately, until Cole saw her rubbing soap onto her skin and asked if he could do it instead. His hands on her were divine, sensual whether he meant to be or not, like he was memorising every part of her. His fingers brushed over her nipples and she bit her lip, feeling it go straight to her groin, wanting more...

Cole paused, watching her, his eyes seemingly looking through her... and then his poise changed. He cupped her breast, lightly pinching her nipple, drawing a mewl from her. He moved forward even closer, hands washing away the soap from her skin, then his lips were on her, kissing her neck and collarbone, sucking her wet skin lightly. She leaned back against the bathtub’s edge, feeling him settle between her legs, and then his mouth was on her nipples again, sucking and licking, applying just enough pressure to make her insides sing. She pulled him up to face her and kissed him fervently, hands roving over his skin, his hips, his legs. He moaned into her mouth, bucking towards her, and she felt his cock rub against her clit. _More…_ His hips moved back and his hand dove under the water, rubbing her clit in delicious circles, touching her just how she liked it-

She pushed him back. He faltered, blinking at her as if coming out of a daze.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked.

“Cole… are you reading my mind?” she asked, brow raised. “You’re… doing everything I want you to, _as_ I want you to.” He shifted uneasily, the guilty look in his eyes telling her everything she needed, but he answer her anyway.

“Well, just after… you need to think it first…” he averted his gaze sheepishly. “It’s easier this way. I can learn, but still get it right. I want to make you feel good…” For a moment, Trevelyan felt entirely violated in a very odd and confusing way. Cole was reading her mind, not just picking up on loud thoughts, but actually _in there_ , searching for what he wanted… But then she realized how frightening this must be for him, to have all of these new feelings and urges and have nothing to fall back on for insight. Plus, could she _really_ take the fact that he could do just what she wanted, when she wanted it as a _bad_ thing? She sighed.

“Just… don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” Cole nodded quickly, seemingly relieved by her response.

“I won’t.”

“And _only_ until you’re more confident.”

“Okay.” He agreed readily. She smiled, kissing him softly. Glancing out of the window, she saw the sun beginning to rise over the mountains.

“Ok. Let’s get out of here before I get all pruny.”

“Oh.” Cole said, his disappointment was almost tangible. “Out. Right.”

 

Trevelyan pulled out towels from her dresser and handed one to Cole. She dried off quickly, still feeling hot and bothered from last night’s almost-climax and their bath antics. She bit back a sigh, wondering if she could get away for a moment to-

“You don’t have to do that.” Cole murmured. She jumped, not realising how close he was, and then sighed.

“Cole, you can’t read my mind _all_ the time…” his arms came around her from behind, holding her close, lips at her ear.

“I wasn’t. You were loud. Not hurt, but unease, unfulfilled… I want to help.” His breath tickled her ear, made her knees a little weak. His hand parted the towel she’d wrapped around herself, fingers sliding down her stomach, hip… She groaned, wriggling out of his grasp and pulling him towards the bed, letting her towel fall away and revelling in the way he looked at her. She lay down atop the covers and pulled him up over her, kissing him fiercely.

“Do you know how much you affect me?” she whispered against his lips. Her hand grasped his hardening cock as she spoke, making him shudder.

“I, ah! I h,have an idea…” his head fell to her shoulder, bucking into her hand as she pumped him.

“No one has ever… You’re special, Cole.”

“A lot of people tell me that… I don’t think all of them are being kind.” He said. Trevelyan let out a bark of laughter, using her free hand to run through his hair. The gentle gesture only lasted a few seconds before the pull of darker urges took over. Cole was starting to shudder, rock hard and thrusting into her hand. She licked her lips.

“Cole.” He lifted his head to meet her gaze, and then looked straight inside her. _Fuck me._

He kissed her once, chastely, before batting her hand away from his cock and pulling her legs up and apart. She moaned, placing them up on his shoulders as his deft fingers worked her clit and teased her opening by plunging just a little inside before retreating, making her squirm.

“Please…” she whispered, “Harder.” Cole let out a shuddering breath and obliged. The build was quick this time, she was so ready, and by the time Cole had two fingers inside her, fucking her in earnest, her back was arched and there were stars in her eyes. She needed more… needed him inside her… and, as if by magic, Cole’s fingers retreated and she felt the tip of him at her entrance. She mewled, rolling her hips to help him, legs falling from his shoulders to grip him around the middle, pulling him inside her with one sharp tug. They gasped in unison, Cole’s mouth was open, staring down at her in awe and she smiled at him, moving her hips, enjoying that first delicious hint of pain which was always her favourite part.

“Fuck me.” She said out loud, and Cole visibly shivered again. She marvelled at how easily her words and touches overwhelmed him, and then he was moving, hard and fast, almost all the way out before driving back home, just how she liked it. She moaned, back arching up off the bed again, feeling herself build and build until it was all too much. She moved to help herself but he beat her to it, thumb pressing down hard on her clit, circling, and she cried out as orgasm washed over her in waves of glorious pleasure, and above her Cole gasped as her muscles clenched around him. He grasped her hand, lacing their fingers together, and with a few more short thrusts, he found his release too with her name on his lips.

They were both silent for a moment, both gasping for breath, utterly sated. She felt better than she had in literal years. Damn, she loved him.

 

Loved…

 

They both stilled. Cole looked up at her, big blue eyes wide with hope.

“… Still in my head just then, huh?” She ventured. He nodded. She smiled, using her free hand – the one not still laced with his – to cup his cheek. “It’s… true. I have trouble saying it out loud, but… it’s true.” Cole kissed her, heart-wrenchingly gently.

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

“So… he can tell exactly what you want, when you want it, and he _does_ it without being asked?” Dorian stared at her over his tankard, mouth agape.

“Yep.” Trevelyan said, feeling undeniably smug.

“You lucky bitch.” She burst out laughing, shrugging at Dorian in a manner that clearly said ‘Yeah, I know.’ He rolled his eyes, taking a huge gulp of his ale and then grimacing at the taste. The alcohol at The Herald’s Rest was never up to his exacting standards, but luckily, he was also a borderline alcoholic and would make do with minimal fuss. The Inquisitor sipped at her own pint and sighed contentedly, leaning back in her chair. Dorian leaned across the table towards her, brow raised.

“My God, is that happiness I see?” he asked. “ _Actual_ happiness?”

“I’ve been happy before.” she said, frowning.

“No, you’ve made do with a bad situation - For as long as I’ve known you, and Maker knows how long before that. But this… it’s so sweet that it’s nauseating.” She chuckled, rolling her eyes but unable to argue. There _was_ something almost serene about her mind right now… something just felt _right,_ like all the hardship and ‘crazy bullshit’ that had happened to her lately, as Varric called it, had been worth it.

 

… Or, possibly, she was still on a high from the mind blowing sex she’d had this morning.

 

“So, where’s he now?” Dorian asked, drinking deeply from his tankard again, and then grimacing.

“With Varric, I think.” She groaned, “I really hope he isn’t giving _details_ …”

“What, like the details you just gave me?” Dorian asked, brow raised.

“You’re different. I trust you to know that I’ll set your privates on fire if you don’t keep it to yourself.” Trevelyan sighed, “With _Varric,_ we’re likely to end up in a book.”

 

* * *

 

“It was amazing, I could hear what she wanted, and then I could do it… a picture in my mind, clear, close, commanding. It filled me, guided my hands, stopped the shaking… a little… and I could _feel_ how happy it made her, on top of my own happiness. It was-”

“Amazing. Yeah, Kid, I know. You’ve said that about fifty times.” Varric groaned, head in his hands, trying to block out the awkward images of the kid he’d all but adopted and vowed to take care of, screwing around with their fearless leader. “You know, when I asked how it went with the Inquisitor, you could’ve just said ‘Good’.” Cole cocked his head at him.

“But that’s like describing lava as ‘warm’.” Varric chuckled, shaking his head.

“Kudos to you, Kid. I never thought the Inquisitor would let anyone in – and she really needed to. If the end of the world’s coming, the woman in the centre of it all needs a little happiness to keep her sane.”

“I hope I help.” Cole murmured, frowning a little. Varric never quite got over how touching his concern for everyone was.

“She loves you, Kid. Love definitely helps.” Cole’s answering smile was glowing.


	10. Chapter 10

“Dorian,” she said sternly, “I’m not wearing that. I am wearing _this._ ” She pointed down at her dress uniform. “That _thing-_ ” she gestured to the black silk dress with golden embellishments that he was holding, “Is not appropriate for the goddamn Herald of Andraste.”

“I quite agree.” Dorian said, fiddling idly with the black lace which made up the arms of the dress. “It’s very racy. It’ll cling to you and show off those fantastic hips of yours. You’ll look like a sultry sex goddess straight from a Tevinter gala – which, by the way, is where I commissioned this dress from.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.” She muttered, eyeing it warily. “There’s every chance we’ll be fighting for our lives tonight, and I can’t do that in… _that._ ”

“Nonsense. This is from Tevinter, my dear. It has a hidden mesh layer to dampen incoming blows and enchantments woven into the golden stitching which will enhance your magic.” 

“Seriously?” She raised a brow, feeling her resolve waver.

“Try it on. It tingles for a while.” Dorian smirked, already knowing he’d won. “Would it help make up your mind to know I designed this for you myself, and that if you don’t wear it I shall take it as a personal slight?” She groaned, snatching the dress away from him.

“Fine.”

 

* * *

 

Cole fiddled with his collar again. He didn’t like dress uniforms. They were tighter than his own clothes, and he couldn’t wear his hat. He also didn’t like the way Dorian had styled his hair. It looked wet and spiky and didn’t cover his eyes, though the mask did help with that.

“Stop fussing, Kid.” Varric said, pulling his hands away from his collar.

“I don’t like it here. Everyone can see me.”

“Everyone can see you now anway.”

“But everyone here is… cold, calculating. _Who is he? Inquisition uniform, strange, stands out, possible weak link, how can I use him_?” Cole muttered. The dwarf sighed.

“Don’t let it bother you, Kid. They’re all sharks.”

 

A rush of whispers, both out loud and inside, pulled Cole’s attention away.

“That’s her, isn’t it?” _with a Tevinter mage!_

“The Inquisitor!” _What a body!_

_“_ Is that dress _really_ appropriate?” _want to see what’s underneath…_

 

“Ngh.” Cole squirmed, trying to block out the thoughts.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t like it… a lot of people here want to…ah!”

“What?” Varric frowned. Cole didn’t notice. He’d finally seen why everyone was being so loud. Evie looked…

“Amazing…”

“There’s that word again… Shit.” Varric swore, catching sight of her as well. “Kid, I apologise for everything in my head right now.” Cole didn’t mind. His own thoughts were far too loud now to hear anyone else’s.

 

* * *

 

“I knew I’d regret this.” She muttered.

“What, walking into a ball in the Winter Palace on the arm of a Tevinter mage looking like-”

“Don’t say it!” She snapped. The dress was ridiculous. The silk clung to her, emphasising her hips and breasts, and there was a split up one side which showed off her legs as she walked. ‘ _Plus you can run more easily if you need to dash to kill anyone!’,_ Dorian had said joyfully. He hadn’t been lying about the enchantments though. They _did_ tingle and she could feel them subtly powering her up. It was a cumulative effect and wouldn’t last forever, but it certainly felt like an edge she wouldn’t have had in a dress uniform.

They were announced together, shortly after Duke Gaspard, and then the whispering started in earnest as Dorian’s origins were confirmed.

“I should have said you were my manservant.” She hissed.

“Nonsense. I’m far too handsome and well dressed for that.” She bit back a sigh, scanning the crowd for Cole. Or Varric. Hell, _anyone_ who wasn’t either glowering at Dorian or looking at her like she was a piece of meat. But mainly Cole.

She felt a hand slide into hers.

“Inquisitor.” Cole said, voice tinged with wonder. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, feeling some of her tension melt away. She almost did a double take at his hair, tamed with some styling product or other which she instantly knew was Dorian’s. The mage in question winked at her and began talking to Varric.

“You don’t like it?” Cole asked, free hand picking at one of his many hair spikes.

“I like it. A lot. But Cole, that thing I said about formality being needed here doesn’t really work if you’re holding my hand.”

“If it’s not working anyway, can I kiss you?” he asked. She laughed, wishing he could.

“I’ll do more than that after the party, I promise.” For now, she needed to get to work.

 

* * *

 

The party was exhausting. Meeting with so many dignitaries and nobles and people who had their head up their own, or someone else’s arse, trying to figure out each one’s political agenda whilst giving nothing away _and_ looking for signs of assassins… Trevelyan vowed never to do this again. 

She spotted Cullen and all but leapt at him, glad for the respite. She smirked when she saw he’d gathered a crowd.

“Commander!” she greeted jovially, wading through his admirers. He looked as relieved as she felt.

“Inquisitor.” His gaze lingered a little too long on her dress. “I, uh… fresh air?” he asked. She showed pity on him.

“Of course.” She took his arm and he led them away from his new admirers. He all but collapsed with relief when they entered the gardens.

“Maker’s breath, they won’t leave me alone.” She laughed, watching him fiddling with his collar agitatedly.

“Oh please, tell me you don’t love the attention.”

“I really, _really_ don’t.” he said, expression deadpanned. “I’m surprised you haven’t gathered your own admirers, looking so utterly beautiful.”

“Oh, I stay moving so they can’t-” she paused, only for a fraction of a second, but in that time her mind completely shut down. Cullen did _not_ make remarks like that… they were comrades, she trusted him to lead her army and give her sound advice, but they weren’t really friends, they didn’t exchange compliments or… _flirt._ “-can’t crowd me.” She finished, noticing how pink Cullen’s cheeks were. _Maker._

“Good strategy.” He said, trying in vain to keep his tone light. “Perhaps I should try that.”

“Or you could dance. At least then you’d be reduced to _one_ rabid fan at a time.”

“I don’t dance.” Cullen said with a small shudder at the very thought. “But… if the right person asked, I might.” Trevelyan let out a semi-hysterical little burst of laughter, rocking back on her heels. Seriously, _why_ did the Maker see fit to throw so many complications at her?!  

Cullen was obscenely attractive, she could imagine him picking her up with one arm and fucking her up against a wall until she didn’t know which way was down or who the king of Ferelden was. And he was _flirting_ with her. Not a Dorian ‘flamboyantly-homosexual-mage-whore’ flirt, but a real, honest ‘give-me-something-to-work-with-here’ flirt. Back in the Circle, she’dve reciprocated. Back in the Circle, they’dve been fucking by the end of the night. She felt heat pool low in her stomach, felt her skin tingle and her nipples harden…

“Gotta go!” she yelped, darting away.

 

* * *

 

Cole stayed with Varric for a while. Evie had disappeared, looking for assassins, and he felt safer around the dwarf. Varric could talk for both of them very easily. Whenever someone approached them, Varric immediately took over. Cole could feel some of their irritation. They wanted to speak with him, picked up on his nervousness, wanted to use him. He didn’t like looking like a weak link, even if he was. Evie had spent a long time with Varric on the ride over trying to coach him on how to behave at a ball. He still had no idea. So much information… learning was difficult. 

“Curly!” Varric called. Cullen was surrounded by admirers again, all thinking the same sort of thoughts about him, about wanting to use his body and his connections. Cole felt sorry for him.

“Excuse me.” Cullen said, politeness only just outweighing the irritation in his voice. He moved over to them, relaxing just a little, shaking his head at Varric. “This is insane. I left for a good half hour and they _still_ crowd around me on my return!”

“Ah the burdens of being attractive. You poor thing.” Varric said, rolling his eyes. Cullen sighed. His thoughts were troubled. _Eyes full of hunger, heat pools low, she’s never looked at me like that…_ Cole felt his heart stop. He knew those eyes.

“Have you two seen the Inquisitor?”

“Recently? No. she’s probably mingling. Or killing something.” Varric shrugged. “But she promised not to do that without us.” Cullen wasn’t listening, had stopped listening after ‘no’. _Why did she run? Offended? But the look she gave me…_ Cole shook himself violently, trying desperately to block out the thoughts and memories. He didn’t want to know this!

“You ok Kid?” Varric asked. Cole just nodded, hands clenching into fists, glad of the mask covering his eyes.

 

* * *

 

The night had been exhausting. Trevelyan decided she could only handle one thing at a time. Balls of snobby Orlesians playing ‘The Game’, Plots to kill empresses, and obvious flirting from trusted advisors would all have to wait for their own allotted days from now on. 

She looked out over the balcony, feeling tired and _heavy_ , weighed down after a night of political bullshit. Killing assassins and demons had been a welcome break though – she almost wished there were a few more around. She heard the sound of approaching footsteps and hoped against hope it wasn’t Morrigan coming back again – then saw who it was and quickly retracted the statement. 

Cullen approached her carefully, almost as if he thought she were a wild animal, prone to startling easily. She would have laughed if she hadn’t been so tired.

“Inquisitor.” He stood next to her, and she gave herself a moment to admire him. He was handsome in a way that sent tendrils of lust licking out all over her body just with possibilities. But he wasn’t Cole; he didn’t capture her heart. She’d been agonizing over Cullen for most of the night, feeling overwhelmingly guilty for thinking such thoughts about him when she and Cole were only just finding their way… But now, looking at Cullen with his sexy hair and stubble, large arms and toned waist, she realized that he only appealed to her the same way her sexual partners had back in the circle – she just wanted to fuck him. That was where the interest stopped. But she was in love with Cole, as corny as it still sounded to her to admit, and thoughts were nothing up against that. The difference between love and lust... she finally got it.

She relaxed a little. 

“Hey you. Where are your fans?”

“Ugh.” Cullen grimaced at the thought, but visibly relaxed as well. “I have never known a more insistent group of vultures. The sooner we get back to Skyhold the better.” She grinned. Cullen managed a small smile, and then averted his eyes. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’ve been battling the forces of evil… and, yes, also avoiding you.” She admitted. He was brave, dropping the pretence so quickly. It was something Cole did without thinking, but Cullen knew the dangers of speaking one’s mind.

“I’m sorry. What I said was… inappropriate.” Cullen sighed, settling with his arms on the rail, looking over the balcony, mirroring her stance. “I just… that _dress_ …”

“Dorian’s idea.” Trevelyan said, letting her irritation shine through. “Guy loves to put on a show.”

“I… see.” Cullen frowned, staring down at his fingers as fiddled with his gloves.

“And it wasn’t inappropriate. It just took me by surprise. You don’t need to apologise. Even _Varric_ has been making lewd comments.” She shrugged. He glanced sideways at her.

“It… isn’t _just_ the dress.” He murmured. “I…” She put her hand on his, halting his confession. She gave it a gentle squeeze and her best attempt at a reassuring smile.

“I know. But I’m… seeing someone. I’m sorry.” She said carefully. Cullen’s lip twitched up in a wistful smile.

“Dorian?”

“PFF!” Trevelyan choked back a laugh, trying to hide it with a cough whilst Cullen frowned, looking confused. She sighed, wondering how it was that not everyone realised Dorian’s preferences. “Dorian’s… a very good friend. Nothing else.” He looked utterly bewildered, but didn’t pry further. She admired that in him.

“I hope things between us won’t be awkward after this.” He said. She nudged his shoulder with her own and smiled.

“I’m good if you’re good.” Cullen nodded, straightening up to leave. He wasn’t good, she knew that. But there had been no misunderstanding, no cold rebuttal on her part this time, and she wouldn’t cut him out of her life… Dan would _not_ happen again.

 

* * *

 

Trevelyan had hoped Cole would come to her on the balcony. The night sky was beautiful, and she found herself having rather sickly sweet thoughts about teaching him to dance in the moonlight. But he never came, the night drew in and she became uncomfortably cold outside in just Dorian’s flimsy dress, mesh layer or no. 

She made her way up to the guest quarters in the Winter Palace that Empress Celene had offered them for the night. She had her own room, and the others were dotted about somewhere in the same wing of the palace. The room, like everything Orlesian, was overtly fancy. Red velvets and silks, gold trims, thick bedcovers and curtains. She eyed the marble bath tub longingly, removing her dress carefully. She’d gotten blood on it – Dorian would be furious.

She was just slipping into a thigh length red silk dressing gown when there was a knock at the door. Frowning, Trevelyan opened it a little, peeking out.

“Cole?” she opened the door wide, letting him in. “Since when do you knock?” he was back in his own clothes now, sans hat, and looked much more comfortable for it. He’d been fiddling endlessly with his dress uniform every time she’d set eyes on him that night.

Instead of answering, Cole hugged her close to him, taking in a deep breath as if trying to breathe her in. She smiled, hugging him back. It had been a long night.

“I missed you earlier. I was out on the balcony.” Cole seemed to flinch, pulling her closer.

“I know. I came to see you, but Cullen was there.” He pulled away a little, and she saw for the first time just how troubled he looked. “You were holding hands.”

“It’s been a very strange night… we weren’t-”

“I know. _Hand touches mine, gentle, soothing, too soft for suggestion. Heart falls, finally have the chance to tell her and it’s too late. My fault, my fears…_ ” Trevelyan sighed. Well, at least Cullen found it soothing… “I don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what?” she led him over to the bed, jumping up on to it and curling her legs under her. The covers were divinely soft and plush. Cole sat down next to her, looking a little awkward.

“Cullen… you turned him down.” She raised a brow.

“Come again?”

“You wanted him… I saw you through his eyes, flushed, excited… and you thought about it a lot when we were fighting.” She winced. Fuck. She’d been agonizing over her attraction to Cullen all night… including when she’d grabbed Cole, Varric and Dorian to go hunting. Of course he’d picked up on it… she was an idiot.

“I’m so sorry.” She murmured. Cole frowned, cocking his head.

“Why? I’m glad you turned him down… I’m just confused. He’s better than me. Less awkward, more attractive… more _human_.” She shook her head, shuffling closer to him until their legs were touching, and lifted his chin up with one finger before kissing him deeply. Cole made a soft noise of contentment, hand cupping her cheek, stroking lightly.

“He’s not _better,_ just different. I’m not just with you because you asked first. I’m not just hanging around screwing you until someone else comes along. I… _love_ you.” Cole’s head dropped to her shoulder, and she felt all the tension draining out of his body. She drew circles on his back with her fingers.

“Tonight was… horrible. I don’t want to come back here.” He murmured. “So many people thinking about you… about having sex with you or worse…”

“Or worse? Dare I ask?”

“ _She pulls against the shackles, wrists red, goosebumps covering flesh where clothes have been torn away. Raise the whip, crack, once, twice, again and again until she’s screaming for mercy…_ ” Cole shuddered. “Thoughts so loud… I couldn’t get away from them. They did such terrible things to you…” Trevelyan pushed him back until he was lying down and snuggled up into him, head on his chest, trying not to think about which crusty old noble had a torture fetish.

“It’s over, and I’m here with you. Nothing like that happened.” She felt Cole nod to himself, one of his hands running idly through her hair.

“And… Commander Cullen, he’s ok.” She frowned, sitting up to look down at him. “I checked on him, after… I didn’t want you to worry. He’s sad, but… _Shallow cutting pain, emptiness but now there’s closure. Expected as much, too beautiful to be single. ‘I’m good if you’re good.’… Will be, work to do, won’t linger. Glad it isn’t Dorian._ ” She couldn’t help a small smile at that. Maybe she really _did_ have to tone down the flirting with Dorian… “He won’t be another Dan.”

“You’re amazing, you know that?” she murmured. “You were in pain yourself, confused and sad and you still went to check on Cullen for me.”

“I don’t matter. I wanted to help you.” She lightly smacked his chest, giving him a reproving frown.

“You _do_ matter, Cole. If anything happened to you…” she shook her head. She didn’t want to think about it. She kissed him again, crawling onto his lap and straddling him, feeling him shiver under her as his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. Her tongue found its way into his mouth just as his hands moved to her bare legs, smoothing her skin and steadily moving upwards towards her hips. She moaned into his mouth, hands sliding under his jumper, scratching lightly, making him gasp. His thumb brushed over her inner thigh and he groaned.

“You’re naked under this…” he whispered in awe. She chuckled, pulling back to loosen the gown just enough that it fell from one of her shoulders, exposing part of her breast but not her nipple.

“I am indeed.” She said innocently, smirking at him, loving how his eyes drank her in greedily. He made her feel so good, so wanted… He kissed her throat, her clavicle, trailing lower until he had to remove the gown to progress, and then her nipple was in his mouth and he was sucking lightly, making her squirm and gasp.

“Cole…” he nipped her lightly, and she felt it go straight to her groin. “Ah! S,stop a minute…” Cole pulled away, frowning. She noticed his pupils were completely blown, lips red and swollen, hair mussed with the remnants of Dorian’s hair product. _Damn…_  

She slid further down his legs, hands already shaking with arousal as she undid the buttons of his trousers.

“You’re not in my mind yet, are you?”

“No…”

“Good. Stay out. Lift up.” Cole lifted his hips and she pulled his leather trousers and underwear down and away, settling between his legs. She stroked his cock, loving how Cole’s hands clenched into fists and his head rolled back.

“Evie…”

“Shh.” She kissed his inner leg, then trailed her lips over his shaft. Cole let out something akin to a whimper, bucking into the feeling. “You do so much for me, Cole. This is just a small thank you.”

“What… ah!” her tongue ran the length of his shaft, root to tip, gliding over the slit and making him shudder. Her tongue circled the head, tip delving into the sensitive spot just beneath and Cole all but sang for her, the litany of gasps and moans spurring her on as she sucked him into her mouth, pulling him in as far as she could before hollowing her cheeks and drawing back up, setting up a slow pace. His hips started rocking into her, and she pressed down on them with her hand to stop him going too far – not that she thought he would. Her free hand moved to cup and squeeze him gently, rolling his sac in her palm. She felt a hand in her hair, felt how hard he was shaking. She moaned, the vibrations making him jolt, and took her hand away from his balls to start pumping him harder.

“You like this?” she asked, squeezing his cock in her hand. Cole was beyond words, head still rolled back and shaking, and he just nodded fervently, bucking into her hand. She felt herself clench deliciously at the scene, savouring how she could make him come undone like this, before dipping her head back to tease and suck his head with her lips and tongue, still pumping him hard.

“I won’t… ah! I can’t…”

“Don’t worry.”

“But… AH!” she blew cold air across his cock, halting his arguments. He wasn’t going to last much longer. The rolls of his hips became harder, more erratic, his breath short sharp gasps, and then he was coming hard into her mouth, grabbing fistfuls of the blankets as he emptied himself down her throat. She took everything he gave, wondering how on earth his come tasted like lyrium, and licked him clean as his shuddering thrusts subsided. She placed a kiss to his hip, then moved up to snuggle under his arm, listening to him gasping for breath.

“I love you.” She murmured. It was getting much easier to say. Cole pulled her close, still shaking.

“I love you too… so much…”

 

* * *

 

They fell asleep like that, just drifted off in each other’s arms half naked and completely at peace. Sometime later, though she couldn’t say exactly when, Trevelyan was awoken by soft kisses being pressed to her neck. Cole was propped up on one elbow, and somehow he’d managed to get them both fully undressed and under the heavy covers of the bed without disturbing her. She placed her hand on his shoulder, thumb brushing over his throat.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He answered, kissing her softly. She made a soft noise of contentment, free hand trailing down his chest. “I didn’t want to wake you… but I can’t sleep.”

“Oh?”

“I didn’t… do anything for you. It was all for me and-”

“That’s what I wanted.” She interrupted. She was still a little sleepy, but it quickly faded away as she realized he was waking her up to have sex with her. “Are you sure that’s why you’re waking me? Maybe you’re just up for more yourself, hmm?” Cole averted his eyes. The room had gotten too dark to make out much but she would wager he was blushing. She gently moved him with her legs until he was led between them, his cock hard and brushing against her. “I’d say I’m on the money there.” She purred, bucking up into him. Cole gasped, head falling to her neck, sucking at her pulse.

“I always want you.” He whispered. The admission set her on fire, and she couldn’t supress a whimper as his fingers stroked in between her legs.

“Are you in my mind?”

“No.” He drew back a little, and she could tell he was frowning. “Does it bother you when I am?”

“No… if it helps you, but –ah!” he slid a finger inside her, stroking her expertly. “I j,just don’t like the thought of using you… you’re not just a sex toy… Cole!” she gasped, hands grabbing his arms, squirming as a second finger joined the first, stretching her.

“I’ll stay out for now… I think I’m a fast learner. In this at least.” She mewled, spreading her legs wider for him as his head disappeared beneath the covers. His tongue sought out her clit and laved it with teasing circles as his fingers thrust into her, hooking slightly to press deliciously up against her most sensitive areas.

“Oh Maker… fuck…” she cursed, gripping the sheets. Cole reappeared, one hand gripping behind her thigh to move her leg up as the other guided his cock to her entrance. She shivered in anticipation, hands linking together behind his head.

“You like it rough?” he asked.

“ _Yes_.” She confirmed, excitement building inside her at the very thought. Cole gripped her leg, thrusting deep inside her in one smooth action. She cried out, biting her lip, fingernails digging into the flesh of his back. He hissed, pulling her hands away and forcing them up above her head, pinning them there as he thrust into her hard, snapping his hips up to drive into her mercilessly. She whimpered, full up on pleasure, revelling in the sting his movements caused. She’d feel him tomorrow, when they rode back… she’d ache because of this and she’d think about him fucking her all the way home… she whispered this to him and he groaned, pace accelerating even more to the point where she was nothing but the feel of his thick, hard cock inside her, the pressure on her wrists keeping her in place and the roving hand pinching at her nipples and squeezing her breasts. She felt her orgasm hit her like a tidal wave, crashing over her, making her toes curl and her body sing. She cried out with the force of it, wrenching her hands out of Cole’s grip to wrap her arms around him, pulling him close. He whispered that he loved her and kissed her neck, and soon after she felt him come hard inside her, thrusts becoming long and languid as he rode out his own orgasm.

They were both silent for a while, catching their breath, and then Cole looked up at her.

“Are you ok?”

“ _Ok?_ ” Trevelyan echoed with an exhausted laugh. She clenched her muscles around his cock, making him shiver. “I’m way past ok. I’m… _fuck_ …” He managed a weak chuckle, pulling out of her and rolling onto his back, tugging her along with him until she was resting against his shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of you…” she murmured.


	11. Chapter 11

Cole awoke to soft kisses on his stomach. His eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light already shining in through a gap in the curtains. Evie was led beside him, but further down, weight supported on one elbow, free hand tracing circles on the inside of his leg. He shivered as her tongue lightly traced the outline of one of his abdominal muscles.

“Good morning.” She whispered, seeing he was awake.

“Morning.” He replied, mind already clouding over with lust, even before she nuzzled him, lips tracing the outline of his shaft. He gasped, rocking into the touch, hands fisting the sheets. Her mouth on him last night had been beyond words, so hot and wet, so full of passion and emotion that he’d felt like he was drowning.

_Want to hear him moaning, see him come undone, want him under me, those grasping hands and wide eyes…_ She was so loud, and he loved it, loved to hear her thoughts now that they were visions of things to come and not half-formed wishes she felt she needed to deny them both.

Evie moved slowly, shifting her weight until she was between his legs, so near where he desperately wanted to be touched, but not giving in just yet. She loved to tease. Her mouth hovered low over him so that he could feel her breath on his most sensitive area.

“I was just thinking about last night.” She murmured. “How you felt in my mouth, how you tasted.” He shuddered, shaking fingers raking through her hair.

“Evie…”

“How hard you were, how loud I made you moan…” he gasped as her tongue ran the length of him, light and teasing, leaving him wanting more.

“Please…” he whimpered, bucking up. She chuckled, low and seductive, setting his blood on fire.

“Tell me what you want, Cole.” Everything. He wanted her, any way she would allow him. He wanted her mouth on him, lavishing attention on him that he didn’t deserve. He wanted to be inside her, feeling her stretch and convulse around him, listening to her thoughts, centered on him, making him real and important, _loving_ him and what he was doing to her…

“Inquisitor?” Cullen’s voice broke their peace, followed by a knock on the door. “Are you awake?” Evie swore, scrambling up. She paused, pressed a kiss to Cole’s lips, and then left the bed.

“Barely!” she called. “What’s wrong?” Cole watched her dazedly as she prowled around the room completely naked, searching for their clothes.

“Nothing, we’re just planning on leaving soon… do you need some more time?”

“No, no that’s fine. I just need to… ah.” She scooped her lace underwear up and tugged them on. Cole gulped, unable to take his eyes off the curve of her bottom. She was beyond words… he was insanely lucky. “I’ll get dressed and be out soon!”

 

* * *

 

She didn’t have time to suck Cole off, and for some reason she’d really wanted to. It had never been something she’d taken any pleasure in back at Ostwick Circle; time was precious back then, and to waste it on one-sided gratification had seemed like a waste to her. But she’d really wanted to do it again for Cole.

They travelled back in the same gilded carriages they’d used to get to the Winter Palace. She was sharing one with Cole, Dorian and Varric. She could hear the faint clip-clop of the retinue of soldiers on horseback outside, surrounding them. It was all for show; she would have been the first out of the carriage casting spells had they been attacked. The carriages were slow, keeping to a procession march as they travelled through Orlais, and so Trevelyan busied herself by thinking about all of the things she wanted to do to Cole when they got back, knowing he was ‘listening’ by the looks he shot at her.

Once, she’d been imagining Cole with his wrists tied to her headboard back in Skyhold, completely at her mercy and unable to do anything but accept the pleasure she gave him as she rode him hard, and he’d gasped out loud. Varric had quizzed him on it, and he’d given her a desperate, pleading look, so she’d taken pity on him and stopped. For a while.

By the time they reached Skyhold, Trevelyan was absurdly turned on. She feigned tiredness from the journey as an excuse not to attend the formal debriefing with her advisors, saying that she would catch up with them later, and after a few short thank yous and goodbyes to her inner circle, during which Cole disappeared, she made her way up to her quarters.

Cole was already there when she entered, and all but lunged at her, pinning her up against the door with his body and kissing her feverishly. She moaned, wrapping her arms around his neck and pushing her tongue into his mouth. They kissed until they were both light headed and gasping for breath, and Cole rested his head against her shoulder, whispering ‘I thought I was going to go crazy…’ into her skin. She laughed breathlessly, kissing his neck and shoulder.

“Me too.”

“So many things you showed me… so many things you want. I don’t know where to begin.” He said, sounding adorably troubled by the notion. She pulled him back a little so she could smirk at him.

“Like I said, you’re going to be _very_ busy.”

 

* * *

 

They were stationed outside the elven ruins of the Temple of Mythal, dozens of tents housing hundreds of soldiers all around them. Trevelyan was pacing. She’d been pacing a lot lately. They were waiting for word from the frontlines that they’d breached the enemy’s defences enough to enable her and her group to slip by unhindered. Trouble was, they’d been waiting for hours now, and with the sun already hanging low in the sky, if they didn’t hurry they would have to wait until tomorrow to press on.

Trevelyan had her own tent right in the midst of the camp. She could hear muffled voices all around her, some sounding just as agitated as she felt. She paced another lap of the tent, past the makeshift war table, past her cot, past her supplies and then back again.

She’d barely seen Cole since they’d arrived at the camp this morning – apparently her soldiers had a lot of ‘hurts’ he could help with. She didn’t begrudge him helping them, but she did miss him. Ever since the ball at the Winter Palace, her life had mainly consisted of sex, fighting, and more sex. She was amazed that Cole, who not three months ago had told Solas he had no interest in girls, was now able to keep up with her newly reawakened sexual appetite – and after years of neglect, it was voracious. Unless she was out on a mission, they would sleep together every night and most mornings. He hardly ever needed to peek into her mind to know what she wanted any more – he just _knew,_ and he was damned good at what he did.

The thought of it sent warm tingles down her spine and she shuddered. Now was not the place or time…

“You’re still very loud, you know.”

“Cole…” he made his way into the tent, smiling at her knowingly. They kissed, long and deep, and Trevelyan felt herself go weak. She felt herself clench longingly, wishing they had time to make use of the cot.

Cole seemed to have the same idea. His hands trailed lightly down her sides, lips on her neck. She shuddered.

“We have time.” He murmured. She pressed herself against him, feeling how hard he was against her hip and stomach. Her hand slipped between them, stroking him through his leather trousers, squeezing lightly.

“Do we now?” she murmured. Cole nuzzled her neck, a silent plea, arching into her hand. Trevelyan chuckled, breaking away from him. “You’re lucky you’re irresistible.” She saw Cole’s eyes darken and he followed her as she backed up towards the cot. They wouldn’t have time to get undressed fully, she knew that much. She was expecting a report any moment – though that had been the same for hours – and this was entirely foolish on both their parts. But that just made it all the more delicious.

She kicked off her boots and unbuckled her belt, leaving her leather coat and everything north of her waist where it was as she shimmied out of her trousers and underwear. Cole subconsciously licked his lips, eyes fixed on her like a starving man at a banquet. She felt herself shudder as he unbuckled his own belt and undid his fly, freeing his erection. Her hands went to it automatically, stroking it as he moaned, pressing kisses to her neck, lowering her gently onto the cot with him between her legs, fingers already pressing inside her. She gasped, head rolling back as he stretched her expertly, thumb pressing against her clit deliciously.

“Fuck me. Fuck me _now_.” She hissed. Cole removed his fingers, a playful smile on his face as he teased her, cock just brushing her entrance. “Cole!” she begged, “We don’t- ah!” he entered her in one long thrust, burying himself inside her with a sharp gasp. They both fell silent then, caught up in each other and the familiar, all-encompassing heat and pleasure of each other’s bodies.

“Inquisitor?” they froze, eyes locked as Cullen’s voice broke through the reverie. From the sound of it, he was just outside the tent. “May I come in? This damned report finally-”

“No!” she cried, voice embarrassingly high pitched.

“… Why?” he called, sounding a little irritated.

“I… I’m naked!” she answered. That would stop him – ever the gentleman. When Cullen next spoke, she could practically _hear_ how red he’d gone.

“I s,see. Well, I uh… Shall I come back later?” She looked up at Cole, who was watching her with interest. She needed that report, but she _wanted_ him so much…

“Have both.” He murmured, shifting his hips to make her aware of just where he was, how deep inside her. She gasped, feeling a thrill shoot through her at the implications of his words. Cole pressed a kiss to her neck, then began to move – long, slow, teasing rolls of his hips, making her feel every inch of him inside her. She stifled a moan, hands joined behind his neck. They were so close… his weight was supported on his arms either side of her head, her legs circling his hips. 

“No, just… give me the report out there!” she managed to keep her voice steady despite the situation, shifting her legs further apart to give Cole better access. He made a small noise of gratitude, fingers pinching lightly at a nipple, making her squirm.

“Oh… um, ok then. The scouts on the front line have reported we’ve made good headway into the ruins, but a lot of resistance remains.” Cole lifted one of her legs up a little for better leverage, thrusting harder and deeper inside of her. She bit her hand to stop herself from crying out. “I can show you the full report later, but for now I think the best thing to do would be to hold off our main assault until tomorrow. We can send reinforcements down with your party to ensure you’re able to get through.”

“Sounds good!” she called, fingers grasping at the bed sheets, hips snapping down to meet Cole’s thrusts, feeling the build-up of pleasure threatening to overcome her. Cole kissed her neck, holding her close under the blankets.

“Inquisitor… are you ok? You sound a little breathless.” She bit back a laugh, and even Cole’s lip twitched slightly. He locked eyes with her, free hand coming up to lace fingers with her own as his thrusts became shorter and harder, pressing up against her most sensitive area over and over until she saw stars.

“I’m fine! I’m… in the bath!” she managed weakly, he voice catching on the end of her sentence as Cole pressed kisses to her chest and nipples, sucking lightly. “Dammit…”

“O…kay… I’ll leave you to it, but remember there’s a full report which needs your attention.” she heard his footsteps retreating, felt Cole smiling into her neck.

“There’s no bathtub here, you know.” He whispered.            

“Arse.” She snapped, eliciting a chuckle from him as his pace picked up in earnest again. They were both close, and it didn’t take long before she crashed over the edge of her orgasm, Cole riding out his own inside her as her vision swam and her toes curled.

“Whatever happens in there…” Cole began, breathing hard against her shoulder. “Remember me. Remember this. Remember I love you.”


	12. Epilogue

It was over. Corypheus was dead, the Breach was permanently sealed, and the world was rejoicing. Sounds of the party downstairs were still drifting up to her, but Trevelyan had had enough celebration for one night. Of that kind, anyway.

Cole’s arms were warm around her, holding her gently from behind as she looked out over the balcony, and she leaned back into him, running her fingers up and down his arm.

“It’s done. It’s really over.” She murmured.

“And you’re alive.” He still sounded so relieved. He’d been nothing but, ever since the final battle. It warmed her heart.

“ _We’re_ alive.” She corrected, turning in his arms. She kissed him gently, lips brushing over his reverently. She couldn’t have done this without him. She loved him so much it hurt. If anything had happened to him along the way…

“Can I stay?” he asked. She chuckled, pulling him back into the bedroom.

“Forever.”

 

* * *

 

Physically, the Ostwick circle tower was just as she remembered it; pale brick and crumbling spires, small white flowers dotting the gardens outside. It seemed a lot less foreboding though, now that the gates were all open and mages could come and go as they pleased. It was a home, not a prison. A safe haven where mages could learn to master themselves, but still visit their families and take trips into town. It felt a little like pretending to be normal to Trevelyan, but she could see it worked; the mages all looked happy, and even the Templars seemed less isolated than she remembered them. 

Cole placed a hand on her arm, and she smiled wistfully at him. The Inquisition had been inspecting the new circle towers periodically for a few months now, to check they weren’t reverting to their old ways. He’d been right to suggest they come here themselves.

Caleb stirred in his arms, big blue eyes blinking sleepily as he took in his surroundings, blonde hair messy and sticking out everywhere. Trevelyan chuckled, smoothing her young son’s hair back into place. She wondered what the circle looked like to a toddler.

“Inquisitor!” a studious looking man bustled towards them, and she knew from his robes and his overly fancy staff that he must be the new First Enchanter here. He shook her hand and then Cole’s, regarding both him and their son with the sort of lofty disapproval they were used to. No one expected the Herald of Andraste, leader of the Inquisition to have such a strange, dishevelled lover and a child who looked just like him. 

They made small talk for a few minutes before the man led them through the grounds. Trevelyan was glad to see a few mage couples in the gardens; it was a balm to her heart that the old views on sex seemed to have been stamped out. 

They passed the small chapel and graveyard, and Trevelyan paused, eyes settling immediately on the only headstone she knew the owner of. She glanced back to Cole and saw twin sets of blue eyes on her. She often wondered if Caleb would inherit any of his father’s otherworldly abilities – she sincerely hoped not.

“Give me a moment?” she said. Cole nodded, pressing a kiss to her forehead. She smiled, ruffling Caleb’s hair, and then entered the graveyard.

She knelt down in front of the headstone in question, eyes scanning the faded words carved into it.

 

_Daniel Evane_

_Taken too soon to the Maker’s side._

She traced the outlines of his date of birth and then, barely seventeen years later, the date of his death.

“Hi Dan.” She murmured. She felt a lump in her throat, and laughed a little at herself. She’d known this would be difficult. “I’m sorry I never visited. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your funeral. I’m sorry for everything. But I want you to know… you changed my life. You made me a better person, a stronger person. If it hadn’t been for you… I would never have become who I am today.” She grimaced. “Ugh, this sounds so corny, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, I don’t hold you responsible for _that._ That’s all him.” She gestured over her shoulder to Cole. “He… took the better person you made, and forgave her. Showed her how to love. And, somehow, gave her a son. We’re still working out how that one was possible. Some free advice? Never think a man can’t get you pregnant just because he used to be a spirit.” She paused, frowning. “Now I’m rambling… But the point is, I needed to thank you. And to apologise. I hope, wherever you are, you’re happy.”

She glanced back to check the First Enchanter was still being civil to Cole. Satisfied with his relatively polite expression, she turned back to the headstone.

“Goodbye, Dan.” She touched the name as she rose to leave, feeling lighter than she had since they’d decided to make this trip.

Caleb stretched his arms out to her as she approached and she smiled, taking him from Cole. He was getting heavy. Cole cupped her cheek, bringing her eyes away from their son.

“You feel better.” He said. It wasn’t a question, but she nodded anyway.

“You were right about coming here.” He kissed her, holding her close. When they parted, Trevelyan saw the First Enchanter looking pointedly away from them. She muttered an apology that she didn’t really mean and they continued with the tour, with her son on her hip and her hand laced with Cole’s, knowing things would only get better. 


End file.
